Some people do it for the fame. Others do it to impress chicks, because no woman can resist a pasty-faced stud with a web presence. And then there are those who just do it simply because we’re gigantic geeks and have nothing better to do with our time! I’m not really sure what the motivation behind my own online creations is, but I’d guess that it’s a combination of all three, plus a few more that I’m not even allowed to list! Nonetheless, I can’t tell you why you should make your own website – you’ll have to figure that one out for yourself…but if you’ve got the time to kill, I can certainly help you out in that department…
“But Scott,” you ask, “I’m really a geek – I have problems coming up with things to talk about in real life, so how in the world will I ever find enough to fill an entire website?!?!?” Well, luckily I’ve got you covered here, too, because if I’ve learned only one thing from the wealth of knowledge that is the Internet, you can never have too many websites about horses. Let’s get started:
1. Brainstorm an Idea
Warning: some people tend to make this the hardest part and even give up during this stage, but don’t – it’s actually very easy! The beauty of the Internet is that literally millions and millions of people peruse its waters every single day, so no matter what you choose, there’s bound to be a horde of weird, goofy folks just like yourself somewhere who are just dying to read about squirrels or underwater rock-climbing or whatever else that just happens to interest you to no end. Your website can be about anything, which leaves open a lot of options…
2. Choose a Domain Name
Once you’ve narrowed down exactly what’s going to be featured on your website, it’s time to decide where everyone will be able to find it on the Internet. Sure, there was a time when all of the free hosting companies like Geocities, Tripod and AngelFire provided a quality service to the masses, but with all of the pop-up advertising, bandwidth limitations and other hindrances that go along with keeping a dot-com in the black, it’s just easier to spend the couple dollars a month to hire a private company to host for you. Yeah, it sounds like the impossible task, especially for the college students who are perpetually broke, yet manage to eat pizza six nights a week and can always come up with some cash for beer money, but affordable hosting can be found nowadays for less than ten bucks a month so there’s really no excuse for us to get bombarded with ads when we visit your site!
It’s a given that you’ll need to find a hosting company for your site, so we’ll focus instead on the selection of the domain name, or web address to direct the world to your new creation. Your domain name is literally your address on the Internet, so you need to choose a name that is catchy, easy to remember, and maybe even pertains to your actual website. Unfortunately, as more and more people are starting sites everyday, the good names are getting harder and harder to find, making the task of selecting a memorable domain name all the more difficult. Sure, if you were creating a boring, professional site to showcase your work, you could probably just settle on a name like josephallensmith.com and call it good, but that’s boring and people don’t flock to boring websites…well, at least not repeatedly…
What you need is something that’ll stick in the minds of your visitors and keep them coming back week after week, even day after day, just to see what kinds of crazy antics you’ve been getting into lately! Better yet, you need a domain name that, although it technically doesn’t have anything to do with the actual contents of your site, will confuse net surfers and search engines alike into thinking that your website is actually a cornucopia of pornographic wonder, much as these do…
Once you’ve chosen a winner, chosen another winner after you discover that your first choice is being squatted on, and signed away some of your hard-earned cash to reserve said name, it’s time to move on to phase three.
3. Throw Together a Layout
First of all, I need to emphasize something very important: don’t put too much work into this part! Many web designers make the common mistake of believing that they’re going to magically come up with the next big craze, but what they don’t realize is that the next big craze has already been developed by a large corporation with hideous amounts of money. Even if you did happen to convince some investors that just happened to be sleeping during the rise and fall of the dot-com era that are willing to heave scads of venture capital in your general direction, the other guy is still going to have more money than you. Solution?
Simple: Just follow the oldest tradition on the Internet – steal your next great idea from somebody else!
Seriously, we haven’t actually had an original idea here on the ‘net since the mid-‘90s and even then there was a bit of suspicion, so by today’s standards it’s totally legal to copy entire websites that you think are neat from those who would otherwise be complete strangers. Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that this is legally legal, but unless you get caught copying some industry-dominating company’s website (Microsoft, eBay, Amazon.com…I really shouldn’t need to fill in the blanks for you on this one!), you shouldn’t have a whole lot to worry about. Just check out some other sites similar to the one you’re going to create, scribble down some notes on your favorite features of each, continue to sketch out a general diagram of how the pages on your site will eventually look, and then in preparation for Step 4, proceed to lose the notepad you scribbled said notes on in some obvious place that you’d never think to look, such as underneath the couch or in the refrigerator…
4. Put-Off Building the Site for a Predetermined Length of Time
Now, if there’s any one step that you don’t want to skimp on, it would most certainly be this one! Fortunately, depending on just how badly you’ve managed to lose your notepad from the previous step, this could take days, weeks or possibly even months to complete, but don’t get discouraged – if you find yourself beginning to worry that you’re not going to get the proper amounts of procrastination in on any given day to keep with your schedule, sometimes it’s best to take a step back from putting-off working on the site and just take a break. Go outside, get some fresh air, meet a girl, and before you know it, you’ll be back on track to putting-off building the site like you were when you first started!
Just in case your friends, family, or employer starts asking questions as to why your site isn’t up yet, and trust me, they will ask, I’ve prepared a list of excuses that should buy you a little time…
5. Actually Get Around to Constructing Your Site and Posting It Online
Nonetheless, you’re going to want to eventually follow through with your plans and do this whole website-thing, as we all run out of excuses at one point or another and besides, just think about how much easier it’ll be to concentrate on your vigorous schedule of video games and parties once this thing is finally out of the way! Of course, this would be where the actual technical-savvy would come in extremely handy, but seeing as you’ve got access to the Internet, this shouldn’t be a real problem! I could waste pages upon pages telling you the ins and outs of web programming, what to do and what not to do, but let’s face it – HTML isn’t funny, so instead we’ll just skip ahead to the part where your site is finally done and get back to the more interesting parts…
Whew, coding is hard work, isn’t it? After weeks and weeks of tweaking, coding, and starting from scratch, the beast is completed and it’s time for rejoicing…almost, that is. Before you can kick back and enjoy the highlife, though, it’s of the utmost importance that you partake in the oldest of sacred rituals in this online community – shameless self-promotion! That’s right – the world will know soon enough about your newfound glory, but now’s your chance to announce to your closest of friends all about your amazing accomplishments – that’s what e-mail was created for, so use it!!! Your first task is to send bulk messages to every single name in your address book mentioning the new site. Be sure to drop the URL no less than three times per message – it’ll let ‘em know that you really mean business!
You should also incorporate your web address into your e-mail signature so that each and every person who’s lucky enough to get mail from you will know to visit your site for even more of your zany antics, as so…
From: Crazy Joe <crazyjoe@joespearemporium.com>
To: Mr. Dinicky <dinicky@jerkofaboss.com>
Subject: yesterday’s deadline
Mr. Dinicky,
Sorry I missed the deadline – it won’t happen again. I wasn’t feeling well, but am much better today.
- Joe
———————-
Visit Crazy Joe’s Pear Emporium for exotic fruit galleries, videos, and much more!
http://www.joespearemporium.com
Now you’ve got a whole new reason to write those long-distance friends who you really never talk to anymore! While you’re at it, be sure to send off notes to the webmasters of all of your favorite websites announcing your own site – just casually mention that you’ve been a huge fan ever since their beginning and the link’s practically in the bag! You’ll also want to start submitting your site to search engines, but honestly it’s easier if you get linked from other huge sites and just let the search spiders do their thing and find you on their own. Granted, you’ll still have to work your way into Yahoo! yourself and I’ve been sworn to secrecy about giving away that little gem, but the others are pushovers and should pick you up within a couple of weeks with a few links here and there.
And then it’s time to…
6. Bask in the Glory
Congratulations!!! You are now a member of one of the most elite unofficial brotherhoods (or sisterhood, depending on your own situation…) of all time – those who run really cool websites. If you’ve played your cards right up to this point, there’s really no need for you to ever have to interact with another person face to face ever again! Don’t worry – people will get used to the whole “He’s not answering his phone – try e-mailing him instead…” effect after a while. If they still don’t figure it out, then they’re obviously just not sophisticated enough to understand your fame…
So what’s next? Well, after you take a few more breaks, you may want to think about creating an update schedule, so you actually have a plan in your own mind of how often you’d like to be adding new material to your new, breath-taking website. Daily? Weekly? Whenever you freakin’ feel like it? It doesn’t really matter, as you get the hits as your readers keep coming back to check for updates day after day, even if you haven’t made any in months! You’re now an Internet phenomenon, so feel free to pop in and out as you see fit, or even to throw the thing online one night and then never check back again – with fame comes great flexibility…or something like that…
Enjoy your new-found creation! Plug your site to your friends and neighbors at every given opportunity – even at church (i.e. It’s a holy lot of fun over at jimsbowlingshoecollection.com). Casually mention your new source of fame to that cute chick at the grocery store the next time you need some carrots – she can’t possibly turn you down now! Champagne will fall from the heavens, doors will open, velvet ropes will part… You’re a webmaster now, making you a step above other mortal men, so use this to your advantage at every chance you get – your life will never be the same again…
And that’s definitely a good thing – trust me!
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