So You Want to...

So You Want to Have a Merry Christmas! (Part 2 of 2)

by Scott Sevener ⋅ December 1, 2002 ⋅  Email this column ⋅  Print this column ⋅

If Nothing Else, It’s At Least Worth Showing Up for the Presents…
I’ve always found it funny that people will try to tell you that “Christmas isn’t about getting, it’s about giving” because somebody’s getting the gifts I hand out, aren’t they? There’s even a few weirdoes out there who will try to pass Christmas off as a religious holiday – apparently it’s somebody’s birthday or something in their little, mixed-up world, but for the record – direct from me to you – it is about the presents!

And oddly enough, this can actually prove to be quite the problem, as we all know too well! No, no – getting the presents isn’t too tough…ok, well it can be, but we’ll get to that in a second. Buying Christmas presents is where the real trouble is at – for some of us, anyways. A good percentage of people, typically women and gay guys, actually love Christmas shopping, as if it’s genetic or something. You could set these folks loose in the mall for an afternoon and chances are that you’d never see them until the place closes and security kicks their almond-scented asses out the door…

The rest of us, on the other hand, simply abhor the idea of going out into that rude and intolerant mass of idiots for the sole purpose of buying other people stuff…but rather than risk the frightening concept of not getting anything next year from anybody, we do manage to bundle up and ride the storm in search of enough junk gifts to satisfy our relations and loved ones. Luckily with the newfound help of the Internet, some of us actually avoid completely the insane ritual of standing in line for three and a half hours for a board game, three stuffed animals and some scented lotion, or at least it gives us an opportunity to establish a plan of attack for the actual trip to the store in the near future.

Nevertheless, some of us are always going to be a little slower than others, and there’s typically even a small minority that would prefer to simply lock themselves in the bathroom shortly after Thanksgiving and resurface the following spring when the heat has died down, so I’m going to do my best to make things just a little easier for everyone. Utilizing both the Internet and my vast knowledge in the art of gift giving, I’ve compiled a few guidelines to aid your Christmas shopping efforts for those most important in your life. While I can’t guarantee that the purchase of any of these gifts will keep you out of the dog house, on your mother-in-law’s good side (yeah, like she has one!), or even an everlasting twinkle in your youngest child’s eyes, at least you tried…

(Note: If they’re not included anywhere in the list below, you are legally exempt from having to buy them anything. If questioned, just tell them that I gave you permission…and run like hell…)

• Guys (includes fathers, brothers, and friends of the male gender):
  • Fairly easy to deal with – anything with lots of flashing lights, buttons and a thick instruction manual is golden.
  • CDs, movies and so forth seem like a good idea, except that there’s always that worrying about whether or not they’ll like your selection or already have it…unless you purposely pick out the most bizarre, zany items you can find with the intentions of assuming that they will have to return it anyways! Great idea – sure to get a good laugh, except in the situation that your victim actually likes the new Madeline Albright’s Sweatin’ to the Oldies tape you chose for him…
  • As much as I detest the idea of giving gift cards, as it seems like the ultimate cop-out to me, I suppose one in the name of Best Buy, Wal-Mart, or another decently-priced superstore would do, but I’m still sure he’d much rather receive…
  • PORN. It comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors – not a single man on Earth could frown after opening his brand new porn on Christmas morning – trust me!
• Chicks (includes mothers, sisters, mistresses, and that hot babe from the bar):
  • This can be a little trickier, but you’re pretty much a shoe-in by going with candles, items with pictures of “cute” little kittens on them, or any of that scented bath & body crap.
  • Women often like to read as an escape from the normal mundane tasks of life, such as having to put up with you every single day, so perhaps a book of some sort may be in order? You could either pretend to actually have some idea of the things she’s interested in and go off that, or simply follow the same procedure as listed above for the guys and go with something she definitely won’t be expecting, such as:
    • When Drag is Not a Car Race: An Irreverent Dictionary of Over 400 Gay and Lesbian Words and Phrases
    • Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
    • Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
  • If all else fails, find a nice looking desk frame and give her a picture of you. She can always throw your picture away and replace it with that of someone she actually likes after you leave…
  • Towels are also nice.
• THE GIRLFRIEND (or wife, Heaven save your soul…):
  • Oh boy – this is where things get interesting! I’ll warn you ahead of time that you’re pretty much screwed no matter what you choose. Nonetheless, a properly thought-out array of flowers and candy, candles and scented body washes or anything that costs over three months’ worth of your salary should satisfy her…for now.
  • Typically you should still be able to get away with using most of the items listed in the previous section, but be aware that the holidays are a great time to prove what an idiot you really are! I’ll guarantee that although your sister will get over the fact that you thought she’d love a book based on her favorite childhood memory of cock-fighting rather than cocker spaniels, your lady is going to be much less forgiving…and you may never get to go see another cock-fight again…
  • Exactly how much you can expect to blow on this gift is directly proportional to how long you’ve been in the relationship. Only a few weeks or maybe a month – you can probably get away with a stuffed animal and a nice card. A year or two – now you’re looking at moderately-priced jewelry or clothing (caveat emptor maximus!). Anything more than that and, well, I don’t even have to say it at this point…
  • Some may say it sounds stupid, but I’ve always dreamt of getting some of those homemade gift certificates that we always made for our parents when we were kids…so I don’t see any reason at all that the women couldn’t enjoy the same thing:
    • Dinner for two at the best all-you-can-eat buffet in town
    • One free back hair shaving with minimal gagging noises
    • An uninterrupted evening of cuddling during one of those boring-ass chick-flicks on Lifetime that always ends up making you remember just how much you hate your mother and how your 7^th grade English teacher gave you a B+ on that paper when you really deserved an A because you stayed up all night and worked really hard, so now you’re going to cry yourself to sleep and I’m gonna end up sleeping on the couch again…
  • Note: You should never, ever get her a mop, no matter how hilarious it seems at the time. Trust me.
• Children (includes anyone between the ages of 0 and 18 that lives in your house, eats all of your food, and generally dislikes your very existence):
  • Ahhh, on to easier subjects! Kids have always been a blast for me to shop for, either because I feel like I’ll always be a kid at heart or because people are always telling me that my brain tends to operate on a 2^nd grade (or less) level. And that’s fine with me, because I still know that I’m going to get to check out the latest games, gadgets, and gizmos during this period of my shopping experience.
  • Action figures are da bomb, so just find out what the latest craze is and stock up on the coolest and burliest-looking ones you can find. Note that kung-fu action grip and the ability to swim underwater are often two highly prized features in action figures and will end up making your kids much cooler in school than they already are.
  • Sure, it’s nice to get them educational gifts so that they can learn and get smarter, but you must remember one thing – nothing sucks worse than getting beat up as a kid…besides cooties, that is. While I don’t like to promote violence, it’s never too early to get the ‘ole testosterone flowing with a healthy supply of toy guns, swords and other weapons of destruction. If anybody confronts you about it, simply remind them that the ninja turtles all carried swords (except Donatello and Michaelangelo, who actually respectively carried a bo-staff and nunchukus, but you can probably leave that part out because most people won’t catch it) and they were good guys.
  • If you’re buying for a girl, well, sorry but I really don’t know what to tell you! Dolls or an Easy-Bake Oven or something? I specifically remember back to my childhood days when my friends and I would take all of the clothes off my sister’s Barbie dolls and parade them around nekkid, so I’m thinking Barbie and Skipper and all of her other little underage friends would make a welcome addition under the tree this year…
  • Then again, maybe you’d be better off just going with cash.
• Miscellaneous Family Members (includes most relatives you’ll only see once a year anyways):
  • The rule in my family has always been that you either give decent (and specific) suggestions or you shut up and live with whatever miscellaneous crap you end up getting instead, so unless you hear otherwise, the sky’s the limit to get them the lamest, cheapest clearance items you can find.
  • Although you may consider it simply too cheesy to pull on your closer friends, with a new year being right around the corner and all, everybody is going to need a new calendar…because what better way to show your love and spread the holiday cheer than with a dozen mediocre pictures of horses, naked babies, or if they’re special enough for you to spend the extra fifty cents – cute, adorable kittens playing with balls of string. Merry Christmas indeed, Aunt Judy…
  • If you’re already nearing the end of your holiday budget, this can be a great opportunity to get rid of some of the other worthless junk that you’ve accumulated over the previous years from these very same people! Just remember to be sure to remove all the tags ahead of time and if you end up mistakenly giving a particular gift back to its original giver – deny, deny, deny…
• Co-Workers, Mutual Friends, and Other Weirdoes Whom You Don’t Really Know Too Well, But Feel Obligated to Get Gifts for Nonetheless:
  • Allow me to reiterate – you don’t really like these people, so it technically doesn’t matter what you get them, right? Stupid knick-knack / dollar stores are great for this kind of stuff because you’re really not planning on spending more than a buck or two anyways, and they can’t really complain about it, no matter how lame your gift is…at least not to your face…
  • Another good one to pull is the old homemade gift routine – it’s amazing what the right mixture of flour, water, and an afternoon bored out of your mind can lead to – and what’s even better is that, unlike anything bought in a store, your victims can’t return them and chances are they’re going to feel real lousy even trying to toss them in the garbage! Christmas ornaments and decorative candles are always a good choice, or try going along the lines of coasters, table centerpieces, or even framed artwork for a gift that they’ll remember for years…and years, and years…
  • I don’t know how things are around your house, but it seems like we’ve always got way too much food – in the sense that if completely consumed, Santa Claus might actually have a bit of competition for his gig next year. As much as I hate to even suggest it, sometimes the right thing to do is to simply give some away – your waistline will thank you in the end, plus it’ll make your co-workers feel that much worse for not getting you a damn thing in return!
• You:
  • There’s a good chance that everyone else is going to get you crap, so there’s really no harm in making sure that you’ve got at least one present worth opening on Christmas morning!
  • Although it may seem more logical to do the rest of your shopping first and then choose a little something for yourself with whatever’s leftover, that idea’s just got “You’re gonna run out of money…” written all over it…most likely everyone else does the same thing, anyways, and if they don’t, well that’s their loss! Cover your own back and let Santa Claus take care of the rest…
  • Besides, if you’re anything like me, you’ve got very specific items on your preferred lists and everyone always ends up screwing things up anyways – does getting the Full-Screen Version rather than the Limited Collector’s Edition, Widescreen Version of your favorite movie sound familiar?! Save yourself and everyone else a little grief and just handle the situation yourself…everyone in the returns department at Best Buy will thank you later!
  • Shopping for yourself is actually rather easy, seeing as you should already have a pretty good idea as to what you like and don’t like – just remember that money should be no object when making purchases for those you care the most about…isn’t there an old proverb along those lines? You can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself… Whatever – anything that justifies blowing huge sums of money on myself is OK in my book!
  • …because if I get one more pair of wool socks for Christmas, somebody’s goin’ down!

Remember, you can’t please everyone, but if you do the math as you’re making your final selections at the convenience store on Christmas Eve, with any luck you should still be able to make it out in the black. Nonetheless, once this particular travesty is finally over, there are other things left to worry about…

Just Smile, Shower the Giver with False Appreciation, and Pray to God that You Can Find a Store That Will Take It Back…
What’s even worse than the actual shopping for all of this stuff? That’s an easy one – making it through that golden day when you have/get to see what everyone else managed to come up with. It first seems like this would be an easy task, relieving your own stress after seeing that you weren’t the only one who had a tough time shopping, but what we always tend to forget is that someone else actually has to receive these gifts…

And thus bringing us to the most trying time of all this holiday season…yes, even worse than the actual gathering of the relatives itself…opening presents. I know, I know – What the hell are you thinking?! Opening presents rocks! – but in all actuality, opening presents only rocks when you’re lucky enough to get presents that you want. Sure, it’s great when you’re a kid because: a) you don’t have to get anything for anybody else, and b) you’re pretty much just getting toys anyways. Yeah, you’ll still get the occasional sweater from Grandma, but at that age, no one expects you to like these kinds of gifts.

But then we grow up, and suddenly we’re required to act like adults and be polite and all sorts of other nonsense – face it, growing up sucks!!! Yep, instead of simply heaving that sweater over your shoulder and diving back under the tree in search of real presents, now you’re not only obligated to say thank-you (and mean it…), but a conversation will ensue about said gift. You’ll get to hear what steps she had to go through to find such a magnificent treasure in your size or how many hours it took for her to make it herself, and then it’s your turn to explain how it’s exactly what you’ve been hoping for and that it’s already got a hanger waiting in your closet…and this rambling continues until someone else in the room is kind enough to open a new present to divert the room’s attention to the next victim…

Luckily, however, I’m starting to get good enough at this that I’ve formed some sort of a system – granted, it’s been adapted from tried and true methods that others in the family have established long before me, but that’s how some of the best traditions are born, right? I should warn you that these steps do not necessarily work in all situations, but feel free to adapt them to fit your own particular situations:

1. First of all, I do my best not to attract attention to myself – the youngest kids always pass out the presents, so I tend to participate in this ritual by ignoring that it’s even happening at all. Whether by watching TV, or hopping between the several ongoing arguments/conversations, or even by just staring off into space and hoping that it will all be over soon, the time magically passes and before I know it, there’s a pile of gifts in front of me…
2. I must stress that it’s really in your best interest to keep a low-profile throughout the entire gift-opening event for the most fulfilling experience. Some families make the choice to open gifts one by one, allowing the spotlight to slowly spread the pain and suffering around the room, but if you’re anything like my family, you really don’t care anymore! (In fact, one may be so bold as to say that the practice of opening gifts is just another interruption in the regularly-scheduled banter of eating, arguing, and uneasy transitional moments of silence…) I’ve found that the best way to go is simply to open your own gifts when nobody else is paying attention, set them quietly to your side as you give a quick and brief thanks to the giver, and go on with your life.
3. There’s always that one relative who needs to see what everybody else got, engaging in arduous talky-talky along the way, but my friends, there is fortunately an easy fix to this one – don’t leave your new-found presents in plain view…bury them if you have to! Lacking the obvious conversation-starter, she’ll most likely move on to another victim.
4. With any luck at all, the entire process will be done and over with in less than an hour and soon you’ll be moving on to something much more rewarding…

Go for the Dinner, Stay for the Dessert!
When it’s all said and done, if there’s one thing that has the power to ultimately save any holiday gathering, it would without a doubt have to be the food – a wonderful creation that not only satisfies the taste buds, but also quiets even the rowdiest of gatherings! Whoever said that music soothes even the savage beast must’ve been mistaken because although I do know for a fact that there are many members of my family who are succumbed by the mere mention of an oboe concerto, I also would place money on the fact that those four would get trampled without any notice at all if put between the rest of us and a simmering crock-pot full of sweet-and-sour meatballs!

If planned properly, the actual consumption of any good Christmas dinner will begin just as the first guests are walking in the door and come to the grand finish only after the last of the beasts has fallen! I should also note that ‘We’re all out of food…’ is no excuse and ‘I’m full…’ is grounds for immediate dismissal from the family. Other than those two specific rules, though, the gloves pretty much come off in the culinary free-for-all that is arguably the most intricate part of any holiday gathering. Nevertheless, I’m proud to boast that I already have more than a few triumphant Christmas dinners under my belt, and a few above that same belt in these later years, so it seemed only fitting that I share my vast wisdom in the form of the following tips to help make your yearly binge as fruitful as possible… (and no, that’s not literal!)

1. Pace yourself, but don’t make any stupid mistakes in the process! There’s no need to mountain your plate with three of everything and an extra piece of cheese cake, but if it’s looking like those barbecue chicken chops may not be around for a second pass, by all means lay off on the macaroni salad for now to make a little extra room.
2. The key to walking away with a truly succulent take at any Christmas dinner is really in knowing the rest of your family, or the competition in this case. Recalling that three of your cousins are strict vegetarians or that Grams normally waits until her third trip to the buffet for dessert may very well be the edge that will lead you out of this meal victorious!
3. A common misconception about Christmas dinner is that other members of your family are going to be offended if you don’t try a bit of their dish, but it’s important to remember that there’s a bigger goal here. Besides, in a couple of hours when everyone’s sprawled out in front of the television, belittling each others ideals and beliefs, it won’t take long for Aunt Jeanie to forget that you didn’t have a piece of her broccoli and tuna casserole…
4. In certain circumstances, it’s ok to sit at the kiddie table! Many families, including my own, often set the children’s table very close to the food line to minimize spills and make assistance easier, but why should the younger generations be the only ones with direct access to the grub?! Do you really think that Uncle Bob has been sitting there just to keep his daughter from getting sweet potatoes in her hair?
5. And whatever you do, make sure you don’t end up behind Uncle Lester in line! If the incessant, ill-toned commentary doesn’t make your appetite disappear faster than Santa’s elves the day after Christmas, the unmistakable odor of gin and pleather will no doubt fill in the blanks…

And don’t forget to save room for dessert!

Wrapping Things Up for Another Year…
Well, did I cover everything? After fifteen-odd pages, I should certainly hope so, but even if I didn’t touch on some of the more minute topics, such as turnip garnishing or festive holiday underwear to get your honey in the mood, Christmas is a season of love and joy, peace and harmony, and it’s completely acceptable to improvise whenever necessary to keep the chaos at bay and preserve your own sanity! My previous words should be an adequate guide to point you in the direction of a truly wonderful holiday experience, but they’re by no means written in stone (…except for the lighting advice – you can take that to the grave!). Just remember that as long as you make it through the entire season with a maximum of three visits from the men in blue and everyone more or less has a good time, even at the expense of a bowl or three of eggnog, you’ve successfully had a Christmas that was just as merry, if not even more so, than anyone else who wasn’t smart enough to consult this guide before hand…

Any sweet gifts you score are just gravy!