You would think that after growing up in a tourist town, there would be relatively few things that could get on my nerves…but maybe I just haven’t managed to develop as much of a tolerance as the rest of the folks around here! That whole saying – you know, the one about how we should be happy that they’re just coming to visit because we get to live here all year round – sure, it sounds like a swell hypothesis until you take a look at the calendar and realize that some of us don’t even get an off season! New England is nice in the fall as is Florida during the winter because it’s not so hot anymore, but what about those of us who get stuck in this year round tourist trap?!
They come for the golfing, they come for the skiing and snowmobiling, and hell, some of them even come just for all of the goofy festivals we’ve got going on week after week, believe it or not! Sometimes I wonder just how desolate of an area these people are actually coming from to make them choose an area as vacant as Northern Michigan, and then it hits me…no, seriously – it literally hits me and I completely lose track of what I had almost figured out, just because the tourist with the lead foot behind me can’t grasp the concept of traffic lights! These people all come to our homes to get away from everything, so why can’t we work out some sort of a deal to crash at their places while they enjoy the solitude that can only be found while waiting in line at the grocery store for damn near an hour to get a jug of milk because it’s tourist season…
“Cut ‘em some slack!” you say, digging out another piece of fudge with that grubby mitt of yours? That’s probably not going to happen anytime soon, so instead I thought we might try something a little bit fun here today. Rather than going off on them in our own towns, I think it might be very well just as effective to give them all a taste of their own medicine, if you will! What you have here in front of you is something of an instruction manual. Inside you will find absolutely everything you could ever care to know about filling the role of the tourist, so the next time that family cuts in front of you in line at McDonald’s, don’t raise your voice! Instead strike up a conversation, ultimately finding out exactly where they live in the first place, so then when it’s time for you to take a vacation of your own…BAMMM!!!
Trust me – it’ll be sweet. Just follow my plan to a tee, do your homework, and be sure to get your parents’ permission before trying any of this at home! They’ll never know what hit ‘em…
Plan for a Week, Pack for a Year…or Maybe Even Two
One of the first and foremost things to remember when preparing for a journey of such epic proportions is that there’s a good chance that you may never be coming back! Whether your hometown is caught by a rogue twister, or the planet is invaded by aliens from another dimension, or even if simply decide that you’d rather wander aimlessly for the rest of your life than remain shacked up in that castle you call a house another day (…laugh, but people do this every day…), it is of the utmost importance that you have at your immediate disposal a bare minimum of three complete sets of linens, the antique silverware that was handed down from Grandma at your wedding, and approximately eighty-three pairs of underwear in varying colors and styles. You’ll most certainly need it if you don’t bring it along, so it’s better to be safe than sorry…right?
As far as your wardrobe is concerned, it’s really a good idea for the men to take some pointers from the ladies on this one. Even though you technically planned out the entire trip hour-by-hour, consulting research from both the Internet and your travel agent, there’s a chance that not only will you not know where you’re going or the general climate for the time of year, but you may even get thrown off by the year itself! That’s right, not only is it imperative that you pack the snowsuits and ski boots, flip-flops and dorky hats, and your favorite rhumba duds, but you need to make sure that all of the basic periods of history are represented as well! This could require a trip to the library for ideas, but when everybody else is wearing designer boots on your vacation two hundred years ago while you’re sporting a pair of homemade deerskin moccasins with matching leggings, you certainly won’t be the one that feels out of place!
Whether you’re traveling via motor home, pick-up truck + camper, or even in that first VW Bug that you drove for seven years of college (for nostalgic reasons…), there’s no doubt that you’re going to need stuff on this vacation and lots of it! Things that you didn’t even recall owning in the first place always become vitally important to your vacationing experience when you least expect it, so it’s best to beat that worry right to the punch. You may think now that it’d just make more sense to pay a couple of bucks at the diner downtown for all the waffles you can eat, but surprisingly you’re wrong! By the time you go to the store to buy batter mix, swap out the living room to become the kitchen in your RV, dig out the waffle iron and get everything cooking, an adequate, yet slightly lumpy plate of waffles is only three and a half hours away! I’ll bet you’re glad that you packed that baby now, aren’t you?!
And let us not forget that it just wouldn’t really be a vacation if you actually had to walk anywhere! Nowadays people are always going places, doing things, active, active, active are our lifestyles, so surely we don’t have a moment to waste on getting there in the first place. Why else would anyone see fit to tow behind their forty-foot motor home a shiny, new convertible, a cabin-cruiser (w/inflatable dingy), a 4×4 jeep for those out-of-the-way destinations, a travel-size time machine to ensure that those extra period clothes actually do get put to good use, and of course, a Sherman tank because, well, you just never know when Charlie’s going to pop up out of nowhere…
Forget Everything You Ever Learned In Driver’s Ed.
You’ve already wasted the last three weeks packing for your vacation, so who wants to waste any more time not actually spent enjoying said getaway? Although many will claim that getting there is half the adventure, these are typically also the folks who can be counted on for such gems as “Every cloud has its silver lining…” and “What’s that, sonny? Speak into my good ear!” so what do we really expect?! Anybody who can consciously make the decision to drive something the size of their house around the country without seeing how it could possibly inconvenience any of the rest of us on the road simply can’t be left responsible for much, anyways…
Of course, the most important thing during your vacation is that you remain comfortable at all times and since home is where the heart is and all, doesn’t it just make sense to bring it along for the ride? Quite possibly the single most significant advancement for the modern traveler has been that of the motor home, enabling folks to chart new territory, enjoy all the amenities of home from just about anywhere, and hold up traffic for miles and miles in the process. But the fun doesn’t stop there – don’t think that just because you’re already driving a vehicle that’s nearly forty feet long that your adventuring should be limited to the camp ground or parking lot of the local shopping center! A quick trip to your local auto parts store to pick up a case of trailer hitches and you’ve suddenly got the ability to tote along your car, boat, deep-sea diving bell, lunar land probe – you name it, and if it’s got wheel under it, more power to ya! Now that’s savy thinking.
Once on the road, however, it’s time to get back into the right frame of mind for over-the-road traveling and the best way to get there is with a quick blow to the head. That’s right – the sooner you clear your mind of the essential techniques required to safely maneuver a motorized vehicle in public, the sooner you can start enjoying all of the calm and peace that the open road has to offer! While there are a lot of tiny details that should probably be considered when you’re driving a house down the interstate, I’ve gotta tell you that it’s usually just easier to leave the thinking to everybody else. Really, you’re on vacation – why should you have to deal with acknowledging turn signals or right-of-way or even other drivers?! It’s just like walking down the sidewalk back home – the little guy gets out of the way of the big guy or he gets trampled, simple as that…
All in the same, don’t feel bad about it if you don’t get things completely right the first time around, either. A lot of professional truck drivers put in literally thousands of hours behind the wheel before they truly feel comfortable with the way in which they handle their rigs, so don’t get discouraged if it takes you a while to get used to things. Sure, it may take you six or eight tries to pull into the driveway at McDonalds and you might suddenly realize that you’ve been driving smack dab in the middle of both lanes on the freeway for the last hour and a half – others around you will no doubt show their own disgust in your driving abilities by means of horns, shouting, and the occasional middle finger. Nonetheless, simply ignore them – you’re on vacation!
The Tao of the Tourist – “You are above courtesy, politeness, and pretty much all etiquette in general…”
Once you’ve finally put some miles (and angry drivers) behind you, it’s time to really start enjoying your vacation (read: off come the gloves!), so pull over the bus and let’s do some sight-seeing! It should be noted, however, that there is a small chance that you will encounter one or more persons along your journey who actually aren’t on vacation at all, but if anything, these “people” certainly aren’t worth worrying about because, in fact, they’re present solely for the purpose of making your vacation all that it can be! Obviously anybody around town who isn’t on vacation like yourself must be working, so keep this in mind as you use this to your advantage!
The first thing you’ll probably want to do when you get into town will be to get a bite to eat – maybe a nice sandwich or something. Restaurants are great for this sort of thing and you just might find that they can prove to be a wonderful source of entertainment as well! Just remember that the wait staff is not only there to bring you your food, but to laugh wholeheartedly at your crappy jokes, giggle playfully at your relentless flirting attempts, and even provide answers to the most mundane and idiotic of questions – it’s their tip that’s on the line! And if by chance they do give you any crap, I’m sure that their manager would love to hear about your less than exceptional dining experience…
Once you’ve filled your belly and screwed some poor, single-mother out of 10% of her tip, it’s time to get out there and see what this little vacation destination of yours really has to offer! If the area you’ve chosen is one of these quiet, rustic places with only a few dozen residents to its name, then there’s a good chance that your vacation is damn near over already, so pick someplace with a little more energy next year! Of course, a lot of these little towns thrive on tourists and their huge, bottomless wallets, so maybe a bit of shopping might be just the trick to help spice up an otherwise hopeless excursion. One thing to keep in mind, however, is that while cute and collectible, most of the products you’ll be coming across are also probably going to be over-priced and a gigantic rip-off, but this shouldn’t stop you from putting your bargaining skills to good use, by any means! If that tiny statue made of sand and glue only seems worth five bucks to you, despite its eighty dollar price sticker, don’t give up – argue that prices were never that outrageous back in your day and that you’ve got half a mind to call the Better Business Bureau when you get back home. As a last resort, feel free to accidentally break anything that you weren’t able to purchase for a fair price on your way out – that’ll teach ‘em!
You’ll also be no doubt visiting many other various types of tourist-y shops and attractions along your way, so above anything else, just always remember that you should always be anyone and everyone’s number one priority and if not, you don’t have to put up with it! The customer is always right; your satisfaction is guaranteed or your money back; if at any time you aren’t 110% pleased with anything at all, you’re entitled to all of your money back, free food and drinks, and possibly even the first-born of all those who are responsible for ruining your vacation. You fought in the war, goddamn it, just so these lazy pukes could enjoy the freedom of bringing you coffee refills all afternoon for a measly 5% tip! If it weren’t for your hard-earned dollars, they’d be out of a job, living in a box on the streets and eating out of the dumpster behind Wendy’s, so don’t give in until you’ve had your share of the Olive Garden experience – you paid for it!
Bonus Points for Anything You Manage to Get on Tape!
Now of course, there are a ton of other pointers and whatnot that I could provide you with how to fully and completely enjoy your vacationing experience at the expense of those around you, but as long as you remember what I’ve already told you and forget that anybody else has their own feelings and opinions and views on life and you should be just fine! Throw in a handy-cam to make use of your days back in amateur film school and you’ve got the makings of what should be one hell of a vacation…at least for you, anyways…
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