You would think that after growing up in a tourist town, there would be relatively few things that could get on my nerves…but maybe I just haven’t managed to develop as much of a tolerance as the rest of the folks around here! That whole saying – you know, the one about how we should be happy that they’re just coming to visit because we get to live here all year round – sure, it sounds like a swell hypothesis until you take a look at the calendar and realize that some of us don’t even get an off season! New England is nice in the fall as is Florida during the winter because it’s not so hot anymore, but what about those of us who get stuck in this year round tourist trap?!

They come for the golfing, they come for the skiing and snowmobiling, and hell, some of them even come just for all of the goofy festivals we’ve got going on week after week, believe it or not! Sometimes I wonder just how desolate of an area these people are actually coming from to make them choose an area as vacant as Northern Michigan, and then it hits me…no, seriously – it literally hits me and I completely lose track of what I had almost figured out, just because the tourist with the lead foot behind me can’t grasp the concept of traffic lights! These people all come to our homes to get away from everything, so why can’t we work out some sort of a deal to crash at their places while they enjoy the solitude that can only be found while waiting in line at the grocery store for damn near an hour to get a jug of milk because it’s tourist season…

“Cut ‘em some slack!” you say, digging out another piece of fudge with that grubby mitt of yours? That’s probably not going to happen anytime soon, so instead I thought we might try something a little bit fun here today. Rather than going off on them in our own towns, I think it might be very well just as effective to give them all a taste of their own medicine, if you will! What you have here in front of you is something of an instruction manual. Inside you will find absolutely everything you could ever care to know about filling the role of the tourist, so the next time that family cuts in front of you in line at McDonald’s, don’t raise your voice! Instead strike up a conversation, ultimately finding out exactly where they live in the first place, so then when it’s time for you to take a vacation of your own…BAMMM!!!

Trust me – it’ll be sweet. Just follow my plan to a tee, do your homework, and be sure to get your parents’ permission before trying any of this at home! They’ll never know what hit ‘em…

Plan for a Week, Pack for a Year…or Maybe Even Two
One of the first and foremost things to remember when preparing for a journey of such epic proportions is that there’s a good chance that you may never be coming back! Whether your hometown is caught by a rogue twister, or the planet is invaded by aliens from another dimension, or even if simply decide that you’d rather wander aimlessly for the rest of your life than remain shacked up in that castle you call a house another day (…laugh, but people do this every day…), it is of the utmost importance that you have at your immediate disposal a bare minimum of three complete sets of linens, the antique silverware that was handed down from Grandma at your wedding, and approximately eighty-three pairs of underwear in varying colors and styles. You’ll most certainly need it if you don’t bring it along, so it’s better to be safe than sorry…right?

As far as your wardrobe is concerned, it’s really a good idea for the men to take some pointers from the ladies on this one. Even though you technically planned out the entire trip hour-by-hour, consulting research from both the Internet and your travel agent, there’s a chance that not only will you not know where you’re going or the general climate for the time of year, but you may even get thrown off by the year itself! That’s right, not only is it imperative that you pack the snowsuits and ski boots, flip-flops and dorky hats, and your favorite rhumba duds, but you need to make sure that all of the basic periods of history are represented as well! This could require a trip to the library for ideas, but when everybody else is wearing designer boots on your vacation two hundred years ago while you’re sporting a pair of homemade deerskin moccasins with matching leggings, you certainly won’t be the one that feels out of place!

Whether you’re traveling via motor home, pick-up truck + camper, or even in that first VW Bug that you drove for seven years of college (for nostalgic reasons…), there’s no doubt that you’re going to need stuff on this vacation and lots of it! Things that you didn’t even recall owning in the first place always become vitally important to your vacationing experience when you least expect it, so it’s best to beat that worry right to the punch. You may think now that it’d just make more sense to pay a couple of bucks at the diner downtown for all the waffles you can eat, but surprisingly you’re wrong! By the time you go to the store to buy batter mix, swap out the living room to become the kitchen in your RV, dig out the waffle iron and get everything cooking, an adequate, yet slightly lumpy plate of waffles is only three and a half hours away! I’ll bet you’re glad that you packed that baby now, aren’t you?!

And let us not forget that it just wouldn’t really be a vacation if you actually had to walk anywhere! Nowadays people are always going places, doing things, active, active, active are our lifestyles, so surely we don’t have a moment to waste on getting there in the first place. Why else would anyone see fit to tow behind their forty-foot motor home a shiny, new convertible, a cabin-cruiser (w/inflatable dingy), a 4×4 jeep for those out-of-the-way destinations, a travel-size time machine to ensure that those extra period clothes actually do get put to good use, and of course, a Sherman tank because, well, you just never know when Charlie’s going to pop up out of nowhere…

Forget Everything You Ever Learned In Driver’s Ed.
You’ve already wasted the last three weeks packing for your vacation, so who wants to waste any more time not actually spent enjoying said getaway? Although many will claim that getting there is half the adventure, these are typically also the folks who can be counted on for such gems as “Every cloud has its silver lining…” and “What’s that, sonny? Speak into my good ear!” so what do we really expect?! Anybody who can consciously make the decision to drive something the size of their house around the country without seeing how it could possibly inconvenience any of the rest of us on the road simply can’t be left responsible for much, anyways…

Of course, the most important thing during your vacation is that you remain comfortable at all times and since home is where the heart is and all, doesn’t it just make sense to bring it along for the ride? Quite possibly the single most significant advancement for the modern traveler has been that of the motor home, enabling folks to chart new territory, enjoy all the amenities of home from just about anywhere, and hold up traffic for miles and miles in the process. But the fun doesn’t stop there – don’t think that just because you’re already driving a vehicle that’s nearly forty feet long that your adventuring should be limited to the camp ground or parking lot of the local shopping center! A quick trip to your local auto parts store to pick up a case of trailer hitches and you’ve suddenly got the ability to tote along your car, boat, deep-sea diving bell, lunar land probe – you name it, and if it’s got wheel under it, more power to ya! Now that’s savy thinking.

Once on the road, however, it’s time to get back into the right frame of mind for over-the-road traveling and the best way to get there is with a quick blow to the head. That’s right – the sooner you clear your mind of the essential techniques required to safely maneuver a motorized vehicle in public, the sooner you can start enjoying all of the calm and peace that the open road has to offer! While there are a lot of tiny details that should probably be considered when you’re driving a house down the interstate, I’ve gotta tell you that it’s usually just easier to leave the thinking to everybody else. Really, you’re on vacation – why should you have to deal with acknowledging turn signals or right-of-way or even other drivers?! It’s just like walking down the sidewalk back home – the little guy gets out of the way of the big guy or he gets trampled, simple as that…

All in the same, don’t feel bad about it if you don’t get things completely right the first time around, either. A lot of professional truck drivers put in literally thousands of hours behind the wheel before they truly feel comfortable with the way in which they handle their rigs, so don’t get discouraged if it takes you a while to get used to things. Sure, it may take you six or eight tries to pull into the driveway at McDonalds and you might suddenly realize that you’ve been driving smack dab in the middle of both lanes on the freeway for the last hour and a half – others around you will no doubt show their own disgust in your driving abilities by means of horns, shouting, and the occasional middle finger. Nonetheless, simply ignore them – you’re on vacation!

The Tao of the Tourist – “You are above courtesy, politeness, and pretty much all etiquette in general…”
Once you’ve finally put some miles (and angry drivers) behind you, it’s time to really start enjoying your vacation (read: off come the gloves!), so pull over the bus and let’s do some sight-seeing! It should be noted, however, that there is a small chance that you will encounter one or more persons along your journey who actually aren’t on vacation at all, but if anything, these “people” certainly aren’t worth worrying about because, in fact, they’re present solely for the purpose of making your vacation all that it can be! Obviously anybody around town who isn’t on vacation like yourself must be working, so keep this in mind as you use this to your advantage!

The first thing you’ll probably want to do when you get into town will be to get a bite to eat – maybe a nice sandwich or something. Restaurants are great for this sort of thing and you just might find that they can prove to be a wonderful source of entertainment as well! Just remember that the wait staff is not only there to bring you your food, but to laugh wholeheartedly at your crappy jokes, giggle playfully at your relentless flirting attempts, and even provide answers to the most mundane and idiotic of questions – it’s their tip that’s on the line! And if by chance they do give you any crap, I’m sure that their manager would love to hear about your less than exceptional dining experience…

Once you’ve filled your belly and screwed some poor, single-mother out of 10% of her tip, it’s time to get out there and see what this little vacation destination of yours really has to offer! If the area you’ve chosen is one of these quiet, rustic places with only a few dozen residents to its name, then there’s a good chance that your vacation is damn near over already, so pick someplace with a little more energy next year! Of course, a lot of these little towns thrive on tourists and their huge, bottomless wallets, so maybe a bit of shopping might be just the trick to help spice up an otherwise hopeless excursion. One thing to keep in mind, however, is that while cute and collectible, most of the products you’ll be coming across are also probably going to be over-priced and a gigantic rip-off, but this shouldn’t stop you from putting your bargaining skills to good use, by any means! If that tiny statue made of sand and glue only seems worth five bucks to you, despite its eighty dollar price sticker, don’t give up – argue that prices were never that outrageous back in your day and that you’ve got half a mind to call the Better Business Bureau when you get back home. As a last resort, feel free to accidentally break anything that you weren’t able to purchase for a fair price on your way out – that’ll teach ‘em!

You’ll also be no doubt visiting many other various types of tourist-y shops and attractions along your way, so above anything else, just always remember that you should always be anyone and everyone’s number one priority and if not, you don’t have to put up with it! The customer is always right; your satisfaction is guaranteed or your money back; if at any time you aren’t 110% pleased with anything at all, you’re entitled to all of your money back, free food and drinks, and possibly even the first-born of all those who are responsible for ruining your vacation. You fought in the war, goddamn it, just so these lazy pukes could enjoy the freedom of bringing you coffee refills all afternoon for a measly 5% tip! If it weren’t for your hard-earned dollars, they’d be out of a job, living in a box on the streets and eating out of the dumpster behind Wendy’s, so don’t give in until you’ve had your share of the Olive Garden experience – you paid for it!

Bonus Points for Anything You Manage to Get on Tape!
Now of course, there are a ton of other pointers and whatnot that I could provide you with how to fully and completely enjoy your vacationing experience at the expense of those around you, but as long as you remember what I’ve already told you and forget that anybody else has their own feelings and opinions and views on life and you should be just fine! Throw in a handy-cam to make use of your days back in amateur film school and you’ve got the makings of what should be one hell of a vacation…at least for you, anyways…

It’s quite the crazy place, this Internet thing, isn’t it? One minute way back in 1994, a few geeks at Universities across the nation were sending dirty jokes and pictures of women out of the Spiegel catalog back and forth, and then all of a sudden we’ve got this?! Less than a decade ago, the Internet was nothing more than a big electronic bulletin board system and a few rogue web pages made by the geekiest of the geeks, but now you’re not cool if you’re not on the ‘net. Our population has surged from a meek 20 million users worldwide to well over half a billion only nine years later, so I guess it was pretty much a given that a few of the idiots would slip through the cracks and setup shop…

Back in those earlier days, it was a much simpler time – those of us who are both old enough and tech-savy enough to remember the very beginning know that the Internet was still used primarily for information, but in a very limited form…and it was kind of nice! The bulk of data you could search for your research papers and even humor columns was gathered pretty much from encyclopedias and other documents from the highest accredited institutions around – basically, what you read was the truth 99.9% of the time. Any real 3^rd party websites made by folks like you and I mainly focused on our interests and hobbies, linking to our own favorite sources of information and whatnot, but very rarely creating much original content of our own. We were able to voice our own opinions via e-mail and the occasional mailing list, but mind you these were limited to usually less than a hundred people or so, all of which actually wanted to discuss whatever the political debate of the week was!

Things are very different now and, as any student or research-bound individual can attest, it’s damn near impossible to find legitimate information on the Internet anymore! But even more so, not only is it tough to find facts among the fiction, it seems that an increasing number of people have felt the need to voice their own opinions about everything, be it what they had for lunch or how hot they thought the guy at the grocery store was or that they think their boss is a closet homosexual…and although I don’t have any problems with the homosexual part, herein lies the bigger picture nonetheless: it seems as if a large group has collected within these virtual walls – we’ll call them the idiots – and they seem to think that they can say whatever the hell they want because, hey – it’s the Internet!

1. My Very First Website
Like a lot of new netizens, when I first stepped foot into this strange, encompassing world known as the Internet, I immediately began thinking of ideas to put into my own website. Ok, actually I first began thinking of what would be the very best sexual keywords that I could use to search the web, but after that became oh so tiring, I did put a little more thought into what I wanted my virtual home on the ‘net to look like. As I’ve mentioned before, my own premiere on the world-wide-web was a rather atrocious one, mostly consisting of sound clips from The Simpsons, some guitar tablature, and a few of my favorite add-ons for the classic shoot-em-up Doom, but overall the whole manifestation was fairly harmless. Unfortunately, as more and more people found their way into our little community, however, certain unspoken boundaries were crossed and eventually the whole thing went to hell…

Today it’s insanely easy for just about anyone to create their own website – hell, some elementary schools are now offering classes in web design – and if they were smart, they’d be focusing a little more on the ethical side of things as well because with all of the running amuck that goes on today, it’s a wonder that even more people don’t find themselves getting hurt! What exactly am I talking about, you ask? Well, I’m talking about the crazy notion floating about nowadays that the Internet is a free ground for anyone to say whatever they want, whenever they want, without any recursive actions…and even though it makes me feel like an old man bitching about them kids these days, I still stand by my words. Whether it’s just a few complaints because someone had to stand in line for five minutes at the grocery store or a five-and-a-half page homage to the word fuck, with that same grocery store experience somehow entwined within, I think that things are getting out of hand and somebody needs to spank the baby before she gets used to always doing whatever she wants. Now, I’m just as much of a free speech advocate as the next guy, but there’s a little more to it than that…

It’s really all about respect and responsibility. Yeah, there are technically some loose legal guidelines that everyone should follow, which I’ll get into here shortly, but when it all comes down to it, webmasters basically just need to think before they post. Sure, that picture or article or parody is funny to you and your friends, but if you were Janet Reno, would you want something like that floating around?! Think about it – if you’re Jack Smith and I proceed to write a slanderous column about how horrible Jack Smith is at baseball and how his mother has three legs and a hump, you’re going to take offensive to that and probably want to come and kick my ass! Of course, I know better than that, so when I really have to make fun of somebody, I either change their name or make them up entirely! As much fun as it is offending the idiots of this world, and believe you me – there are plenty of them, there’s nonetheless an appropriate way to do it, yet not nearly enough people seem to recognize this anymore…

2. From Diaries and Journals to Blogs – Evolution or Degradation?
The other major Internet phenomenon that is a big concern to me is the popularity of blogging these days. Blogging, for those of you living in a hole, is basically a type of online journal where just about anyone can read how your day was and, if you chose, even post their own comments and such. It’s really quite the neat system, actually, and obviously I’m not the only one who thinks so as it seems that everyone and their cousin has one of these things by now. Some, like myself, post only when we’ve got new material to promote or if there’s an issue which we really just want to sound off about, but there are others who post two or three times a day, giving us more details about their own personal life than we could ever care to know! Sounds harmless, right? Well, up to a point, it is…

This is another case of basically not understanding just how damn big the Internet really is and who surfs it on a daily basis. In the old days of writing in that little, brown book which you could lock and keep under your pillow, teenage girls (…and even some guys) would write about their inner-most secrets – stuff that they would absolutely never tell another soul about, and it pretty much stayed private until thirty or forty years down the road when the book one day surfaced and everyone had a good laugh and reminisced. Even though the most offensive material within probably consisted of nothing more than the young woman being mad at Bobby for not asking her out last week, even if she did say something to the effect of Bill’s Sheep Emporium sucks, if wouldn’t matter to Bill because it could never possibly affect Bill’s bottom-line. With said diary buried safely underneath the young girl’s pillow, it doesn’t really get enough publicity to cause any major damage.

However, if this same girl instead had a blog and posted a nasty message about Bill’s fine establishment, then we’ve suddenly got some problems because this posting could very well influence Bill’s potential audience in a negative manner and cost him some serious business. Freedom of Speech, right? Well, if she actually did make her critiques in a calm and mannerly fashion, without the use of vulgarities and general obscenity, then quite possibly yes, she does qualify to use this particular amendment to our Constitution…but guess what, most people don’t because they fail to understand the critical details of said amendment – mainly that you’re not covered if you’re being lewd. The whole idea of blogging to begin with is about expressing your thoughts and feelings about life and your surroundings, but it’s important to keep in mind that you are using a public forum. Remember the guy who got taken to court because he swore in front of some kids after falling out of his canoe on what he thought was an otherwise unoccupied river? Just as you couldn’t go down to the town square and announce via megaphone that you think that all of the surrounding businesses are run by money-grubbing assholes, you can’t say that on the Internet, either!

3. Excuses for a Misinformed Generation

• “It’s the Internet – there are no rules!”
  Ahhh, to be young (or old!) and naive! A gathering place where you could say whatever you want, whenever you want and there wasn’t a damn thing anybody else could do about it? Sure, it sounds like a great idea, but you know communism sounds like a great idea…as long as you’re the one at the top! It’s not so great, though, if you happen to be a bit farther on down the line and it would go the same way if the Internet was like that as well. You think that the pop-up ads and spam is bad now?! A world without rules always sounds great, until you realize that the whole no rules concept would apply to everybody – not just you.

Even though technically the Internet isn’t run by anyone, in a sense it’s actually run by everyone. Just as in a democracy, a group of individuals (our ISPs) has taken it upon themselves to lead the whole place in the general direction of orderliness, and whether you like it or not, you’ve agreed to abide by their rules the second you log onto the Internet. Unless you happen to own your own Internet Service Provider, you’ve agreed to their specific Terms of Use policy, usually stating that you won’t use their equipment to spam or harass other users or basically make a legal ass of yourself, and if you do anyways – they have every right to kick you off the Internet and date your sister.

It might do you some good to actually read that contract that you signed when you got your Internet account sometime…

• “Nobody really reads my site anyways…”
  I’m not the popular kid, so I should be able to say whatever I want, right? Well, sorry but it didn’t work in high school and it won’t work here, either! The door swings both ways in this particular case because even though the general public may not be visiting your website, they could be and thus you need to behave accordingly – something like keeping the house in a presentable condition just in case Mom and Dad decide to stop by for a visit. Under your suggested standards, one could argue that I should be able to stand on a downtown street corner in my hometown buck naked at three in the morning because nobody will probably see me anyways, but I’ll guarantee you that the first cop that passes me on his way to the donut shop around the corner is going to have my pasty-white ass behind bars faster than you can say, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me – I’m going away to eat worms…”

The tricky thing on this Internet is that you really can’t control who has the ability to read your material, so maybe it’s just your buddies down the hall in the dorms that’ll read your rant on how much you hate Wal-Mart, or maybe it’ll be a member of the corporation’s legal team who stumbles onto the site by accident and views the rant as a financial liability. Sure, you probably didn’t really mean any harm when you called his company every four-letter word in the book and you’ll be over it within hours, but lawyers have this funny way of seeing things in a very different light and believe me – you don’t want to be on the receiving end of that stick!

• “Freedom of Speech! Freedom of Speech!”
  Ok, this one is going to take a little more work, so let me just start off by saying this – know the law before you try to use it as an excuse…

4. It’s Not Just Illegal, It’s Against the Law…
Without a doubt, the most argued legal issue since Bill Clinton’s whole “Is it really sex?” debate has got to be the idea of free speech. I don’t know where it actually started, but apparently some nut-job read a tiny fraction of one of our nation’s most important legal documents and then sort of went off on his own tangent from there. Some may insist that it’s really pretty straight-forward, and it is…if you’re not an idiot. Nonetheless, let’s take a little look at those forty-five words that seem to have us all in a tizzle…

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Did you get that? Now as soon as you’ve finished, go back and read it again, and then again if need be, because I want to make this painfully clear that the Constitution doesn’t not protect your right to be an asshole! Allow me to paraphrase the most important parts of said passage: Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech… That’s right – Congress, the State, our government or whatever you’d like to call it, does not have the power to limit your basic freedom of speech on the Internet…but wait a minute – our government doesn’t control the Internet, now does it?

Basically when it all comes down to it, although Congress doesn’t have the right to silence you, whoever owns your gateway to the Internet still does, and if you don’t like that idea, then I dare you to figure out another way to do it. Whether it be your Internet Service Provider or whoever provides their own backbone to the ‘net, or even whoever has physical access to the computer which houses the data for your website, they ultimately have the right to decide whether or not your voice can be heard to an audience of 500 million people. It’s their house, their computer, and their rules, and if you don’t like the decision of any particular host, you’re more than welcome to go and find somebody else, or even to attempt to host it yourself for that matter, but whichever way you shake it, you’re always going to have to answer to somebody else when things start getting hairy, and believe me – when things get hairy enough that your host is getting legal threats worth millions of dollars because your little website is irritating the wrong people, nothing short of a miracle is going to stop them from dumping you on the streets to save their own butts. It’s the way of the jungle, so either behave yourselves or live with the consequences!

5. Spelling It Out – What Can You Do on the Internet?!
Honestly, though, for most individuals, there’s really not a whole lot to worry about because if you’ve got any common sense, you’d never even consider posting anything which could end up in you owing some serious cash to the people whom you despise the most anyways! It’s really quite simple, actually, as long as you’ve got a brain in your head that has the ability to process basic right from wrong. What’s that? You want a list? Well, ok…

You Can…

• Create a website of your very own, personal or professional, on which you discuss things you like or don’t like
• Make postings in your blog about just about anything you’d like, so long as you use your head and don’t repeat the f-word every five seconds like it’s going out of style
• Write reviews about companies which don’t treat their customers fairly so that others will be aware of their practices

You Can’t…

• Create a website of your very own, personal or professional, on which you blatantly slander those who you don’t like or care for
• Make postings in your blog about how much <insert your local department store here> sucks because they caught you shoplifting, or that you’d like to kill the boy down the street if you had the chance, or that you voluntarily listen to Yanni
• Go out of your way to piss of those who have a lot more money than you and can thus afford lawyers who will see to it that you live in a cardboard box for the rest of your miserable, little life

Ok, well I guess technically you could do any of those, too, just be prepared for the repercussions that come along with them. Basically, just keep in mind that the 1^st Amendment doesn’t protect anything deemed Constitutionally Valueless, which includes everything from obscenities, threats, false statements, and your basic conspiracy and/or criminal solicitation. There is also a gray area when it comes to information that isn’t necessarily false, but misleading, so tread carefully there, too. Of course, it isn’t nice to say that kind of stuff about people anyways, so this probably isn’t even an issue for you, right? Yes, it does seem like an awful lot of work just to post in your online diary, but you’re part of a global community now and it just comes with the territory. As far as I’m concerned though, as long as you use a little common sense, take the time to think before you voice your opinions online, and generally do your best to speak in a professional and intelligent manner, then you should be able to go about gossiping of the pool boy and your favorite flavor of soda without a care in the world!

And if this article prevents just one more rant about just how horrible the new cheeseburgers at McSweeney’s are, then I’ve done my job…

If Nothing Else, It’s At Least Worth Showing Up for the Presents…
I’ve always found it funny that people will try to tell you that “Christmas isn’t about getting, it’s about giving” because somebody’s getting the gifts I hand out, aren’t they? There’s even a few weirdoes out there who will try to pass Christmas off as a religious holiday – apparently it’s somebody’s birthday or something in their little, mixed-up world, but for the record – direct from me to you – it is about the presents!

And oddly enough, this can actually prove to be quite the problem, as we all know too well! No, no – getting the presents isn’t too tough…ok, well it can be, but we’ll get to that in a second. Buying Christmas presents is where the real trouble is at – for some of us, anyways. A good percentage of people, typically women and gay guys, actually love Christmas shopping, as if it’s genetic or something. You could set these folks loose in the mall for an afternoon and chances are that you’d never see them until the place closes and security kicks their almond-scented asses out the door…

The rest of us, on the other hand, simply abhor the idea of going out into that rude and intolerant mass of idiots for the sole purpose of buying other people stuff…but rather than risk the frightening concept of not getting anything next year from anybody, we do manage to bundle up and ride the storm in search of enough junk gifts to satisfy our relations and loved ones. Luckily with the newfound help of the Internet, some of us actually avoid completely the insane ritual of standing in line for three and a half hours for a board game, three stuffed animals and some scented lotion, or at least it gives us an opportunity to establish a plan of attack for the actual trip to the store in the near future.

Nevertheless, some of us are always going to be a little slower than others, and there’s typically even a small minority that would prefer to simply lock themselves in the bathroom shortly after Thanksgiving and resurface the following spring when the heat has died down, so I’m going to do my best to make things just a little easier for everyone. Utilizing both the Internet and my vast knowledge in the art of gift giving, I’ve compiled a few guidelines to aid your Christmas shopping efforts for those most important in your life. While I can’t guarantee that the purchase of any of these gifts will keep you out of the dog house, on your mother-in-law’s good side (yeah, like she has one!), or even an everlasting twinkle in your youngest child’s eyes, at least you tried…

(Note: If they’re not included anywhere in the list below, you are legally exempt from having to buy them anything. If questioned, just tell them that I gave you permission…and run like hell…)

• Guys (includes fathers, brothers, and friends of the male gender):
  • Fairly easy to deal with – anything with lots of flashing lights, buttons and a thick instruction manual is golden.
  • CDs, movies and so forth seem like a good idea, except that there’s always that worrying about whether or not they’ll like your selection or already have it…unless you purposely pick out the most bizarre, zany items you can find with the intentions of assuming that they will have to return it anyways! Great idea – sure to get a good laugh, except in the situation that your victim actually likes the new Madeline Albright’s Sweatin’ to the Oldies tape you chose for him…
  • As much as I detest the idea of giving gift cards, as it seems like the ultimate cop-out to me, I suppose one in the name of Best Buy, Wal-Mart, or another decently-priced superstore would do, but I’m still sure he’d much rather receive…
  • PORN. It comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors – not a single man on Earth could frown after opening his brand new porn on Christmas morning – trust me!
• Chicks (includes mothers, sisters, mistresses, and that hot babe from the bar):
  • This can be a little trickier, but you’re pretty much a shoe-in by going with candles, items with pictures of “cute” little kittens on them, or any of that scented bath & body crap.
  • Women often like to read as an escape from the normal mundane tasks of life, such as having to put up with you every single day, so perhaps a book of some sort may be in order? You could either pretend to actually have some idea of the things she’s interested in and go off that, or simply follow the same procedure as listed above for the guys and go with something she definitely won’t be expecting, such as:
    • When Drag is Not a Car Race: An Irreverent Dictionary of Over 400 Gay and Lesbian Words and Phrases
    • Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
    • Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
  • If all else fails, find a nice looking desk frame and give her a picture of you. She can always throw your picture away and replace it with that of someone she actually likes after you leave…
  • Towels are also nice.
• THE GIRLFRIEND (or wife, Heaven save your soul…):
  • Oh boy – this is where things get interesting! I’ll warn you ahead of time that you’re pretty much screwed no matter what you choose. Nonetheless, a properly thought-out array of flowers and candy, candles and scented body washes or anything that costs over three months’ worth of your salary should satisfy her…for now.
  • Typically you should still be able to get away with using most of the items listed in the previous section, but be aware that the holidays are a great time to prove what an idiot you really are! I’ll guarantee that although your sister will get over the fact that you thought she’d love a book based on her favorite childhood memory of cock-fighting rather than cocker spaniels, your lady is going to be much less forgiving…and you may never get to go see another cock-fight again…
  • Exactly how much you can expect to blow on this gift is directly proportional to how long you’ve been in the relationship. Only a few weeks or maybe a month – you can probably get away with a stuffed animal and a nice card. A year or two – now you’re looking at moderately-priced jewelry or clothing (caveat emptor maximus!). Anything more than that and, well, I don’t even have to say it at this point…
  • Some may say it sounds stupid, but I’ve always dreamt of getting some of those homemade gift certificates that we always made for our parents when we were kids…so I don’t see any reason at all that the women couldn’t enjoy the same thing:
    • Dinner for two at the best all-you-can-eat buffet in town
    • One free back hair shaving with minimal gagging noises
    • An uninterrupted evening of cuddling during one of those boring-ass chick-flicks on Lifetime that always ends up making you remember just how much you hate your mother and how your 7^th grade English teacher gave you a B+ on that paper when you really deserved an A because you stayed up all night and worked really hard, so now you’re going to cry yourself to sleep and I’m gonna end up sleeping on the couch again…
  • Note: You should never, ever get her a mop, no matter how hilarious it seems at the time. Trust me.
• Children (includes anyone between the ages of 0 and 18 that lives in your house, eats all of your food, and generally dislikes your very existence):
  • Ahhh, on to easier subjects! Kids have always been a blast for me to shop for, either because I feel like I’ll always be a kid at heart or because people are always telling me that my brain tends to operate on a 2^nd grade (or less) level. And that’s fine with me, because I still know that I’m going to get to check out the latest games, gadgets, and gizmos during this period of my shopping experience.
  • Action figures are da bomb, so just find out what the latest craze is and stock up on the coolest and burliest-looking ones you can find. Note that kung-fu action grip and the ability to swim underwater are often two highly prized features in action figures and will end up making your kids much cooler in school than they already are.
  • Sure, it’s nice to get them educational gifts so that they can learn and get smarter, but you must remember one thing – nothing sucks worse than getting beat up as a kid…besides cooties, that is. While I don’t like to promote violence, it’s never too early to get the ‘ole testosterone flowing with a healthy supply of toy guns, swords and other weapons of destruction. If anybody confronts you about it, simply remind them that the ninja turtles all carried swords (except Donatello and Michaelangelo, who actually respectively carried a bo-staff and nunchukus, but you can probably leave that part out because most people won’t catch it) and they were good guys.
  • If you’re buying for a girl, well, sorry but I really don’t know what to tell you! Dolls or an Easy-Bake Oven or something? I specifically remember back to my childhood days when my friends and I would take all of the clothes off my sister’s Barbie dolls and parade them around nekkid, so I’m thinking Barbie and Skipper and all of her other little underage friends would make a welcome addition under the tree this year…
  • Then again, maybe you’d be better off just going with cash.
• Miscellaneous Family Members (includes most relatives you’ll only see once a year anyways):
  • The rule in my family has always been that you either give decent (and specific) suggestions or you shut up and live with whatever miscellaneous crap you end up getting instead, so unless you hear otherwise, the sky’s the limit to get them the lamest, cheapest clearance items you can find.
  • Although you may consider it simply too cheesy to pull on your closer friends, with a new year being right around the corner and all, everybody is going to need a new calendar…because what better way to show your love and spread the holiday cheer than with a dozen mediocre pictures of horses, naked babies, or if they’re special enough for you to spend the extra fifty cents – cute, adorable kittens playing with balls of string. Merry Christmas indeed, Aunt Judy…
  • If you’re already nearing the end of your holiday budget, this can be a great opportunity to get rid of some of the other worthless junk that you’ve accumulated over the previous years from these very same people! Just remember to be sure to remove all the tags ahead of time and if you end up mistakenly giving a particular gift back to its original giver – deny, deny, deny…
• Co-Workers, Mutual Friends, and Other Weirdoes Whom You Don’t Really Know Too Well, But Feel Obligated to Get Gifts for Nonetheless:
  • Allow me to reiterate – you don’t really like these people, so it technically doesn’t matter what you get them, right? Stupid knick-knack / dollar stores are great for this kind of stuff because you’re really not planning on spending more than a buck or two anyways, and they can’t really complain about it, no matter how lame your gift is…at least not to your face…
  • Another good one to pull is the old homemade gift routine – it’s amazing what the right mixture of flour, water, and an afternoon bored out of your mind can lead to – and what’s even better is that, unlike anything bought in a store, your victims can’t return them and chances are they’re going to feel real lousy even trying to toss them in the garbage! Christmas ornaments and decorative candles are always a good choice, or try going along the lines of coasters, table centerpieces, or even framed artwork for a gift that they’ll remember for years…and years, and years…
  • I don’t know how things are around your house, but it seems like we’ve always got way too much food – in the sense that if completely consumed, Santa Claus might actually have a bit of competition for his gig next year. As much as I hate to even suggest it, sometimes the right thing to do is to simply give some away – your waistline will thank you in the end, plus it’ll make your co-workers feel that much worse for not getting you a damn thing in return!
• You:
  • There’s a good chance that everyone else is going to get you crap, so there’s really no harm in making sure that you’ve got at least one present worth opening on Christmas morning!
  • Although it may seem more logical to do the rest of your shopping first and then choose a little something for yourself with whatever’s leftover, that idea’s just got “You’re gonna run out of money…” written all over it…most likely everyone else does the same thing, anyways, and if they don’t, well that’s their loss! Cover your own back and let Santa Claus take care of the rest…
  • Besides, if you’re anything like me, you’ve got very specific items on your preferred lists and everyone always ends up screwing things up anyways – does getting the Full-Screen Version rather than the Limited Collector’s Edition, Widescreen Version of your favorite movie sound familiar?! Save yourself and everyone else a little grief and just handle the situation yourself…everyone in the returns department at Best Buy will thank you later!
  • Shopping for yourself is actually rather easy, seeing as you should already have a pretty good idea as to what you like and don’t like – just remember that money should be no object when making purchases for those you care the most about…isn’t there an old proverb along those lines? You can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself… Whatever – anything that justifies blowing huge sums of money on myself is OK in my book!
  • …because if I get one more pair of wool socks for Christmas, somebody’s goin’ down!

Remember, you can’t please everyone, but if you do the math as you’re making your final selections at the convenience store on Christmas Eve, with any luck you should still be able to make it out in the black. Nonetheless, once this particular travesty is finally over, there are other things left to worry about…

Just Smile, Shower the Giver with False Appreciation, and Pray to God that You Can Find a Store That Will Take It Back…
What’s even worse than the actual shopping for all of this stuff? That’s an easy one – making it through that golden day when you have/get to see what everyone else managed to come up with. It first seems like this would be an easy task, relieving your own stress after seeing that you weren’t the only one who had a tough time shopping, but what we always tend to forget is that someone else actually has to receive these gifts…

And thus bringing us to the most trying time of all this holiday season…yes, even worse than the actual gathering of the relatives itself…opening presents. I know, I know – What the hell are you thinking?! Opening presents rocks! – but in all actuality, opening presents only rocks when you’re lucky enough to get presents that you want. Sure, it’s great when you’re a kid because: a) you don’t have to get anything for anybody else, and b) you’re pretty much just getting toys anyways. Yeah, you’ll still get the occasional sweater from Grandma, but at that age, no one expects you to like these kinds of gifts.

But then we grow up, and suddenly we’re required to act like adults and be polite and all sorts of other nonsense – face it, growing up sucks!!! Yep, instead of simply heaving that sweater over your shoulder and diving back under the tree in search of real presents, now you’re not only obligated to say thank-you (and mean it…), but a conversation will ensue about said gift. You’ll get to hear what steps she had to go through to find such a magnificent treasure in your size or how many hours it took for her to make it herself, and then it’s your turn to explain how it’s exactly what you’ve been hoping for and that it’s already got a hanger waiting in your closet…and this rambling continues until someone else in the room is kind enough to open a new present to divert the room’s attention to the next victim…

Luckily, however, I’m starting to get good enough at this that I’ve formed some sort of a system – granted, it’s been adapted from tried and true methods that others in the family have established long before me, but that’s how some of the best traditions are born, right? I should warn you that these steps do not necessarily work in all situations, but feel free to adapt them to fit your own particular situations:

1. First of all, I do my best not to attract attention to myself – the youngest kids always pass out the presents, so I tend to participate in this ritual by ignoring that it’s even happening at all. Whether by watching TV, or hopping between the several ongoing arguments/conversations, or even by just staring off into space and hoping that it will all be over soon, the time magically passes and before I know it, there’s a pile of gifts in front of me…
2. I must stress that it’s really in your best interest to keep a low-profile throughout the entire gift-opening event for the most fulfilling experience. Some families make the choice to open gifts one by one, allowing the spotlight to slowly spread the pain and suffering around the room, but if you’re anything like my family, you really don’t care anymore! (In fact, one may be so bold as to say that the practice of opening gifts is just another interruption in the regularly-scheduled banter of eating, arguing, and uneasy transitional moments of silence…) I’ve found that the best way to go is simply to open your own gifts when nobody else is paying attention, set them quietly to your side as you give a quick and brief thanks to the giver, and go on with your life.
3. There’s always that one relative who needs to see what everybody else got, engaging in arduous talky-talky along the way, but my friends, there is fortunately an easy fix to this one – don’t leave your new-found presents in plain view…bury them if you have to! Lacking the obvious conversation-starter, she’ll most likely move on to another victim.
4. With any luck at all, the entire process will be done and over with in less than an hour and soon you’ll be moving on to something much more rewarding…

Go for the Dinner, Stay for the Dessert!
When it’s all said and done, if there’s one thing that has the power to ultimately save any holiday gathering, it would without a doubt have to be the food – a wonderful creation that not only satisfies the taste buds, but also quiets even the rowdiest of gatherings! Whoever said that music soothes even the savage beast must’ve been mistaken because although I do know for a fact that there are many members of my family who are succumbed by the mere mention of an oboe concerto, I also would place money on the fact that those four would get trampled without any notice at all if put between the rest of us and a simmering crock-pot full of sweet-and-sour meatballs!

If planned properly, the actual consumption of any good Christmas dinner will begin just as the first guests are walking in the door and come to the grand finish only after the last of the beasts has fallen! I should also note that ‘We’re all out of food…’ is no excuse and ‘I’m full…’ is grounds for immediate dismissal from the family. Other than those two specific rules, though, the gloves pretty much come off in the culinary free-for-all that is arguably the most intricate part of any holiday gathering. Nevertheless, I’m proud to boast that I already have more than a few triumphant Christmas dinners under my belt, and a few above that same belt in these later years, so it seemed only fitting that I share my vast wisdom in the form of the following tips to help make your yearly binge as fruitful as possible… (and no, that’s not literal!)

1. Pace yourself, but don’t make any stupid mistakes in the process! There’s no need to mountain your plate with three of everything and an extra piece of cheese cake, but if it’s looking like those barbecue chicken chops may not be around for a second pass, by all means lay off on the macaroni salad for now to make a little extra room.
2. The key to walking away with a truly succulent take at any Christmas dinner is really in knowing the rest of your family, or the competition in this case. Recalling that three of your cousins are strict vegetarians or that Grams normally waits until her third trip to the buffet for dessert may very well be the edge that will lead you out of this meal victorious!
3. A common misconception about Christmas dinner is that other members of your family are going to be offended if you don’t try a bit of their dish, but it’s important to remember that there’s a bigger goal here. Besides, in a couple of hours when everyone’s sprawled out in front of the television, belittling each others ideals and beliefs, it won’t take long for Aunt Jeanie to forget that you didn’t have a piece of her broccoli and tuna casserole…
4. In certain circumstances, it’s ok to sit at the kiddie table! Many families, including my own, often set the children’s table very close to the food line to minimize spills and make assistance easier, but why should the younger generations be the only ones with direct access to the grub?! Do you really think that Uncle Bob has been sitting there just to keep his daughter from getting sweet potatoes in her hair?
5. And whatever you do, make sure you don’t end up behind Uncle Lester in line! If the incessant, ill-toned commentary doesn’t make your appetite disappear faster than Santa’s elves the day after Christmas, the unmistakable odor of gin and pleather will no doubt fill in the blanks…

And don’t forget to save room for dessert!

Wrapping Things Up for Another Year…
Well, did I cover everything? After fifteen-odd pages, I should certainly hope so, but even if I didn’t touch on some of the more minute topics, such as turnip garnishing or festive holiday underwear to get your honey in the mood, Christmas is a season of love and joy, peace and harmony, and it’s completely acceptable to improvise whenever necessary to keep the chaos at bay and preserve your own sanity! My previous words should be an adequate guide to point you in the direction of a truly wonderful holiday experience, but they’re by no means written in stone (…except for the lighting advice – you can take that to the grave!). Just remember that as long as you make it through the entire season with a maximum of three visits from the men in blue and everyone more or less has a good time, even at the expense of a bowl or three of eggnog, you’ve successfully had a Christmas that was just as merry, if not even more so, than anyone else who wasn’t smart enough to consult this guide before hand…

Any sweet gifts you score are just gravy!

And so this is Christmas…

Don’t worry – I’m not going to sing the whole song…as if I could remember all of the words with or without the aid of a few glasses of eggnog! All in the same, though, with Christmas easily being my all-time favorite holiday, it seemed only fitting that I put together a little tribute to the absolute best-est celebration in the world that doesn’t involve heavy-weight boxing for a trophy made entirely out of cheese. Confused yet? If not, don’t worry – it’ll kick in here right shortly…

Allow me to forewarn you because you’re in for quite a treat today. The text before you is very well possibly the most thorough breakdown of the holiday since A Garfield Christmas, and although I could never even attempt to compete with such a legend, I should tell you that my own interpretation is pretty damn good itself (…just don’t expect to see me sliding down the Christmas tree…)! I’ve taken the liberty of breaking it down into smaller, bite-sized morsels to ease the digestive process and make for a more relaxing read, but I’d be pretty surprised if you were able to pry yourself away from the screen until you read that last “Ho, Ho, Ho…” Pull up a chair for the Missus, make sure that your glass of eggnog is good and full, and kick back as I explain to you how the Christmas holiday is really supposed to be celebrated!

• Santa Claus: The Myth Behind, errr, The Myth
• Interior Decorating
• The True Measure of a Man is by the Luminescence of His Christmas Light Display
• Christmas Cards: They Don’t Send Themselves Out…
• If Nothing Else, It’s At Least Worth Showing Up for the Presents…
• Just Smile, Shower the Giver with False Appreciation, and Pray to God that You Can Find a Store That Will Take It Back…
• Go for the Dinner, Stay for the Dessert!
• Wrapping Things Up for Another Year…

Santa Claus: The Myth Behind, errr, The Myth
The main man behind this whole celebration, St. Nicholas truly is an inspiration to us all! He works but a single night each year, bringing toys to literally millions and millions of children around the globe; for two or three months straight, his name and face are plastered on every television special, greeting card, and store window display from Tokyo all the way to, well, around the world and back to Tokyo, really! Kids confide their wildest dreams with him, their parents strive to be him…some even going so far as to rent a suit and everything, and for that very special time known as Christmas, he’s damn near the coolest person on the planet – hell, with that kind of popularity, I’d be jolly, too!

Of course, it’s argued by many that the Christmas holiday actually has nothing to do with Santa Claus, citing various religious ideologies and so forth, but that’s all very boring and not in the least bit entertaining, so instead let’s just all follow my own thought patterns and assume that the best winter holiday of them all focuses around being merry and bright, doing on to others, and most of all – getting presents – the granddaddy of all gift-givers being one Santa Claus himself! He’s fat, yet incredibly aerobic, he lives at the North Pole…at least during crunch time, and it’s been said that he keeps a gigantic list of who’s been naughty or nice, hence the infamous quote, “Santa knows where all the bad girls live…” Although I’ve yet to completely decipher his system for determining which list each of us belongs on (…I’m thinking it’s some sort of a point system, though…), I will say that he must either be very lenient or there must be a whole lotta kiddies misbehavin’ worse than I am – perhaps knocking off banks or beating up little, old ladies – because I’ve yet to walk away disappointed on Christmas morning! I don’t know if I ever want to meet some of these other kids…

For you history buffs, however, I just knew that you’d want more, so I did a little research that you can either enjoy or skip over – your choice! As it turns out, Santa Claus’ real identity is actually that of a thirty-six year-old Philippino man named Rizal…no wait, that’s not right at all, but that’s what you get for relying on the Internet as your main source for important information. Actually, there are several different explanations for the origin of Santa Claus, dependant on your position around the globe, but the most interesting that I came across was from a bit of Greek mythology (you know those crazy Greeks!), citing that St. Nicholas was also known as Hagios Nikolaos, Bishop of Myra. Originating in what would now be Turkey, his popularity grew into somewhat of a cult following, as he was known to make large and anonymous donations to those in need, which resulted in getting many, many churches and such named after him. Oddly enough, gifts were always distributed in his honor on December 6^th, but then again, with all of the hunger and shelter and other problems they faced back then, making sure that the local joke-a-day desk calendar stayed up to date probably wasn’t at the top of their priorities!

Now that we’ve done our learning for the day, let me stress a couple more quick points before we move on here:

· Anyone who tells children that Santa isn’t real should have the crap kicked out of them immediately, whether by yourself or a delegate.

· If somebody inquires as to exactly how the big man in red is able to fly, deliver all those presents in a single night, or even fit them all into one bag, the answer is really quite simple – magic. How does he get into each of the houses? Well, believe it or not, those lock picking kits out of the back of Mad Magazine actually work a lot better than you’d think…

· Give the mall Santa a break when you get to the front of the line! Consider having to deal with a thousand crabby kids all day, for minimum wage, with a hangover – he doesn’t need any more crap from you.

· And last but certainly not least, don’t forget to leave milk and cookies out for Santa. Nobody that fat would be caught dead eating carrots and celery, so just follow the tradition and leave out the good stuff! Ladies, I’m sure you’ll find a better way to get back at your husbands than withholding the Oreos, anyways…

Interior Decorating
Before I go any further, I do feel the need to clarify one slight, teeny-tiny, little notion, and that would be the idea that decorating the house is a woman’s job, and for the most part, this is absolutely and utterly the divine truth! Nevertheless, there are two distinct times when it is ok for a man to pick-up the crepe paper and go to work, and one of those involves skulls and cauldrons and various instances of witches and mummies. With that in mind, once the Christmas season is over, don’t let me catch you waving those creative impulses around or you’re out of the club! ‘Nuff said.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, though, it’s time to really get down to business. The most important thing to keep in mind is to keep things relatively simple indoors – it’s on the outside that you’re really going to shine with the lighting display, and besides, too much tinsel and you’ll have people thinking that you’re gay…not that there’s anything wrong with that! All in the same, I’ve found that it’s increasingly difficult to score with the ladies if they’re already unsure about your sexuality, and that’s really our ultimate goal here, isn’t it?! The key to any decorating scheme is to be neat and noticeable, without smacking people upside the head altogether, so a little really does go a long way here…

Of course, it goes without saying that the Christmas tree is going to be the centerpiece of your display inside, so as far as I’m concerned you might as well go ahead and set that baby up first. Some may warn you that you’ll have nothing more than a gigantic pile of needles by the time Christmas actually comes around, but the real easy way around this little dilemma is simply to actually water the tree every once in a while!!! Just remember that your Christmas tree is still a living thing that needs water and sunlight (and love…), so covering those bases should be your most important commitments as far as the indoors is concerned.

Once you’ve got the tree itself up, though, the rest is actually pretty simple. A colorful centerpiece here, a bit of garland there (the real stuff, though, not that fake crap…and don’t even get me started on tinsel…), and you can proudly announce to the world that: you’re a man AND you’ve successfully decorated your house for Christmas! All that’s left to do now is hang the mistletoe (…because even the smoothest operations need a backup plan…), toss on A Very Chipmunk Christmas, and crack open a cold one, my friend, for the tough part is now behind you. Besides, everything that you’ve just done inside was actually a mere precursor for what we’re really looking forward to this year…

The True Measure of a Man is by the Luminescence of His Christmas Light Display
Yes, boys – this is where we really shine, now isn’t it? Christmas lighting is the one time out of the year to prove to the rest of the block, or even the rest of the city depending on your level of expertise, just how much holiday spirit you really have; how much jingle is in your bells; how much kris in your kringle. They say that by the height of a man’s Christmas tree, you can judge his, well, I think you know what I’m getting at here…

So basically what I’m trying to say is that unless you want to be considered less of a man by all of your neighbors, it’s your official duty to have the most impressive Christmas light display around. Baffled, befuddled, or bewildered? Well, don’t worry because although I might feel that same way about open-heart surgery, organized religion, and the opposite sex in general, if there’s one thing I know, it’s The Art of Christmas Lighting and Decorating, and I’m here to help! Grab a pencil, your credit card, and a thermos full of hot chocolate, boys, cause we’ve got some work to do!

Now before you start doing anything at all, you need to take an inventory of everything you’ve already got – Christmas lights, extension cords, wreaths and garlands – the works. It’s also a good idea to have the original electrical layout for your property handy, along with the Fire Marshall’s home phone number…you’ll be talking to him a lot over the next few days! After you’ve gone through and counted up everything that you already own, it’s time to take a look at the area you’ve got to work with and decide what exactly you’d like to do. Unfortunately for those of us living in the colder climates, this means actually getting up and going outside, hence the hot chocolate. Once outside, stand out in the street (…watch for traffic!) or at the end of your property and envision your future Christmas light display. Imagine the crisp snow falling lightly in front of thousands and thousands of twinkling lights, with Santa and his reindeer perched merrily atop the roof and carolers annoying the hell out of people in the distance. Also, try not to get hit by any cars as you do this…

Each person has his own specific techniques and styles when decorating for the holidays, so now is the time for you to develop your own. Some choose to use only clear lights on the outside of their house, reserving colors for indoors and on their Christmas tree. Others have favorite combinations of lights which suit our fancy, such as the common red and green, or white and blue…or orange and green if they still haven’t taken down their decorations from Halloween. And then there are those of us who simply choose to blind our audience with a completely random array of lights and colors and sound (yes, sound…we’ll get to it in a minute), effectively doubling or even tripling our electricity bills for a month or two, but nonetheless dazzling the eyes of the children, rubbing in the inferiority of the other men, and generally heightening the Christmas spirit for everyone around us. No, not all of us can fill the role (and the pants) of the mall Santa, but we most definitely make up for it with our Christmas lights!

Once you’ve decided on the perfect scheme for your establishment, a haunting concern will set in and convince you that you don’t have nearly enough lights to pull something like this off. Solution – time to go shopping! Oh, don’t hang your head in shame just yet, because this is guy shopping, taking you directly to the seasonal and hardware sections of every super store within a two-hour radius! (…you may laugh, but I’ve done it!) It doesn’t matter which one you start at because you’ll be making several trips to each of them before the job is done.

But before you go bargain hunting, it’s extremely important that you understand a bit about electrical circuits around your home!!! I’d repeat that, but I’m hoping that the boldness will be enough to make it sink in for you! Nothing sucks worse than having a totally rad lighting display which you can only turn on in sections because you didn’t plan ahead and ensure that there would be enough juice to power everything at once. As geeky as it might sound, my personal recommendation is to draw a map of your layout and actually chart the current numbers going to each area of the house or yard. “What numbers?” you ask. Well, pay attention because this is probably going to be the only educational moment you’ll find in this entire piece. If you read the actual box your lights come in, and maybe even the tiny writing on the tags that you typically just cut off and throw away, you’re going to find a number of technical terms – here’s what they mean to you:

Watts: This is how much power is actually consumed by an individual string of lights. Although it doesn’t affect how many strings you can put in a row, it will ultimately decide how high your electricity bill is going to be.

(Note: Your total system should total at least 10,000 watts, if you consider yourself a real man, that is…)

Amps: The number that is important to you, amps designate approximately how many strings you can daisy-chain without having them blow out on you. The maximum number is going to be found by examining the tiny fuse inside one of the strings and getting your number off of it – this will typically be something between 1.5 and 3 amps, depending on the style of lights. Next, add up the amperage requirements from each string until you get close to that number – as long as you don’t go over, you should be good to go!

Price: How much you paid for the lights, or at least were supposed to pay…but I didn’t really need to explain that one, did I?

Now that you’ve determined how many strings can be in a row, it’s time to determine how many your entire house can handle – not quite as easy of a task! Most people simply run an extension cord out of the garage, and that’s fine for a small display, but what we’re planning is going to take some serious power and requires a bit more work. The big ticket to consider is that your garage is probably controlled by one or maybe even two separate circuit breakers in the main box, so when you choose to just run another cord from a spare outlet, you need to keep track of what’s already running in the garage and make sure that you’re not going to run out of juice when, oh say, the heater kicks on or something. It’s an easy mistake to make – the first year I tried this myself, we couldn’t operate our garage door opener while the lights were on without blowing a fuse, so trial and error may very well be the best way to go here!

Nonetheless, if you’re going to do this right, the absolute best way to do it would be to simply install a completely separate circuit breaker for your various outdoor uses. Granted, this isn’t an easy task by any means and there’s a good chance that you could either kill yourself or at least end up with a really wild hairstyle, so don’t be an idiot – if you don’t know what you’re doing, ask a professional. You’ll most likely need to converse with the jockeys at your local hardware store anyways to get your hands on the right kind and size of circuit breaker and other tools you’ll need, so while you’re there, swallow the old pride, explain what you’d like to do, and get ready to take lots of notes! More likely than not, they’ll think it sounds pretty cool and might even have some suggestions that you wouldn’t have thought of, so it never hurts to ask…

So you’ve now got a dedicated plug ready and waiting outside – it’s time to get some extra supplies, and by extra, I mean as many as you can fit inside the trunk of your car (…if you have an SUV or a pickup, you’re one step ahead of the game!). When you first get to the store, you’re probably going to feel a little overwhelmed as your eyes scan the shelves from floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall with ideas and inspirations – that’s perfectly normal! Feel free to take a minute to calm your nerves, regain your composure, and visit the men’s room if need be. After you feel confident that you can continue, start examining all that they have to offer while continuing to visualize your desired outcome in your mind. Before long, ideas will just start popping into your head and chances are your cart will be overflowing in a matter of minutes!

Since this is your first trip, the most important thing to remember is to get enough lights to complete whichever section you’re working on at the time. If you’re still on the ball, it’s only October or so and you might think that nobody else will be out shopping for lights for another month or two, but in fact…there are several other guys there right now, aren’t there? These men are your enemies. They are the ones who will smile kindly at your display, then laugh diabolically as they plug their own in, blinding the neighborhood and claiming your manhood as their own – they’ll also be the ones who will get the last box of fluorescent blue icicle lights that you need to finish the garage – point blank, don’t let these guys out of your sight! What I’m trying to say is that shopping for Christmas lights requires a bit of foresight – being able to judge what the next neat and hip gimmick is going to be – and then buying enough so that you won’t come up short halfway through your project, only to make a trip to the store to find empty shelves.

That is, if you’re actually going to go along with the gimmicks in the first place…because some of them so far have kinda sucked and although I might’ve been gung-ho about them at the time, I’ve later realized that they’re simply more trouble than they’re worth. Like remember a few years ago when these icicle lights first started appearing in stores and everything just thought that they were the greatest? Well, I obviously have always prided myself on being a bit different than the rest of the crowd, so before the demand got too big, I picked up a few sets of ice blue icicle lights – enough to do the entire house. Sure, it looked great the first year, but not so much the following when I discovered that roughly half of the pile had become complete junk over the course of about ten months, so it’s important to keep in mind that the lights you’ll buy for $4 a box aren’t the greatest in the world and will wear out, unlike the ones used at the sweet exhibits down at Walt Disney World that cost a wee bit more! Nonetheless, last year I picked up a few rolls of these tube lights – basically a string of diodes contained within a rubber hose – and they’ve worked great for several years, so you just have to watch yourself and plan ahead before you slap down that gold card…

Believe it or not, now it’s time for you to make some moves of your own! You’ve got all of the tools, hopefully a bit of inspiration, and more importantly, a ton of electricity just waiting to get used. Just remember – leave no tree, bush, or shrubbery uncovered, no matter how crazy the neighbors, and your co-workers, and your family think you are, remember that you’re doing this for the children, and when in doubt, one or two extra strings might just have that little extra umph that you’re looking for! Now go forth and make me proud, my students! If I can’t see the glow from the freeway, you’re not trying hard enough…

P.S. I was kidding about that whole sound thing…please refrain from blasting The Twelve Days of Christmas throughout the entire month of December as part of your display! Yeah, it does seem kinda neat for the first fifteen minutes or so, but it’s not…

Christmas Cards: They Don’t Send Themselves Out…
And then there are Christmas cards… Ain’t it funny how everyone loves getting them, yet how many of us are really that anxious to get up off our asses and send some out ourselves? Oddly enough, the married guys are the ones who end up lucking out here, as more often than not they can pawn this one off on the wife and escape to the garage before she can say two words about the decision, but for the rest of us, we find ourselves stuck in a bit of a predicament:

a) Who do you like enough to bother sending a card to in the first place?

b) What do you want on them? (cartoons, winter-y photos, Santa – OK; “family photos,” poetry, naked babies – NOT OK)

c) When is it considered too late…or even too early…to send out cards?

d) Where in the hell do these people live, anyways? (…address what?)

e) Why isn’t there somebody that you can pay to do all of this crap for you?

f) How about a beer before getting started?

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers to these questions…which might explain why I haven’t gotten a Christmas card myself for the last eight or nine years! If you’re as lazy as I am, you might want to try the concept of e-Cards, where you visit one of a number of sites hoping to make some holiday cash off you by e-mailing pretty pictures to your loved ones in lieu of an actual, physical card which they could place on their mantle. I’m told that they’re kinda tacky and lame, but hey, eCard is better than no card, am I right?

Or if you’re even lazier yet, simply ask all of your friends and family when you next see them if they liked your eCard (which you never actually even sent), and then when they tell you that they never got one, blame it on server problems and stupid Hotmail and the Internet in general…then quickly move on to a different topic, such as the war over in Iraq or how no two snowflakes are alike. This process works great for birthdays and anniversaries, too, or so I’m told…

Some people do it for the fame. Others do it to impress chicks, because no woman can resist a pasty-faced stud with a web presence. And then there are those who just do it simply because we’re gigantic geeks and have nothing better to do with our time! I’m not really sure what the motivation behind my own online creations is, but I’d guess that it’s a combination of all three, plus a few more that I’m not even allowed to list! Nonetheless, I can’t tell you why you should make your own website – you’ll have to figure that one out for yourself…but if you’ve got the time to kill, I can certainly help you out in that department…

“But Scott,” you ask, “I’m really a geek – I have problems coming up with things to talk about in real life, so how in the world will I ever find enough to fill an entire website?!?!?” Well, luckily I’ve got you covered here, too, because if I’ve learned only one thing from the wealth of knowledge that is the Internet, you can never have too many websites about horses. Let’s get started:

1. Brainstorm an Idea
Warning: some people tend to make this the hardest part and even give up during this stage, but don’t – it’s actually very easy! The beauty of the Internet is that literally millions and millions of people peruse its waters every single day, so no matter what you choose, there’s bound to be a horde of weird, goofy folks just like yourself somewhere who are just dying to read about squirrels or underwater rock-climbing or whatever else that just happens to interest you to no end. Your website can be about anything, which leaves open a lot of options…

• Blogs – I’ve never met you, but I’ve just gotta admit that I’ve spent the last several nights laying awake, wondering what kind of cereal you’re going to have for breakfast the next day. Journal and diary sites give you the opportunity to take that little book that you used to write in as a young girl and open it up to the entire world, ensuring that we’ll all be well aware that you hate algebra, had a slice of pizza (no meat) for lunch today, and farted right in front of your crush, but not necessarily in that order…
• Fan Sites – You’ve been an Enya fanatic ever since the early days back in the 80’s, having collected all of the bootlegs and plastered your bedroom walls with posters and magazine cut-outs, so maybe it’s time to take your devotion to the next level! Nothing shows love for your favorite celebrity quite like violating their numerous copyrights and trademarks on a global scale.
• Multi-Purpose Sites – Can’t decide on whether to showcase your passions for dolphins, The Powder-Puff Girls or Mexican food? Well, lucky for you – you don’t have to! Throw four or five, or fifty for that matter, of your favorite things together and create the website that all of your friends will keep coming back to again and again!
• Portals – Don’t have the creative impulses or desires to come up with ideas of your own? Nevertheless, I’m sure you’ve got a list a mile long of other websites that you frequent, so why not share those with the rest of the online community? If you thought that those dancing hamsters were just hilarious, then chances are that others will, too!
• Web Comics – These have gotten wildly popular over the last couple of years and apparently you don’t even need to have any drawing ability OR a sense of humor now, so open up a copy of MS Paint and get to work!

2. Choose a Domain Name
Once you’ve narrowed down exactly what’s going to be featured on your website, it’s time to decide where everyone will be able to find it on the Internet. Sure, there was a time when all of the free hosting companies like Geocities, Tripod and AngelFire provided a quality service to the masses, but with all of the pop-up advertising, bandwidth limitations and other hindrances that go along with keeping a dot-com in the black, it’s just easier to spend the couple dollars a month to hire a private company to host for you. Yeah, it sounds like the impossible task, especially for the college students who are perpetually broke, yet manage to eat pizza six nights a week and can always come up with some cash for beer money, but affordable hosting can be found nowadays for less than ten bucks a month so there’s really no excuse for us to get bombarded with ads when we visit your site!

It’s a given that you’ll need to find a hosting company for your site, so we’ll focus instead on the selection of the domain name, or web address to direct the world to your new creation. Your domain name is literally your address on the Internet, so you need to choose a name that is catchy, easy to remember, and maybe even pertains to your actual website. Unfortunately, as more and more people are starting sites everyday, the good names are getting harder and harder to find, making the task of selecting a memorable domain name all the more difficult. Sure, if you were creating a boring, professional site to showcase your work, you could probably just settle on a name like josephallensmith.com and call it good, but that’s boring and people don’t flock to boring websites…well, at least not repeatedly…

What you need is something that’ll stick in the minds of your visitors and keep them coming back week after week, even day after day, just to see what kinds of crazy antics you’ve been getting into lately! Better yet, you need a domain name that, although it technically doesn’t have anything to do with the actual contents of your site, will confuse net surfers and search engines alike into thinking that your website is actually a cornucopia of pornographic wonder, much as these do…

• justdoinghomework-theresnopornohere.com
• frankscrazyanimalcomics.com
• teenagemutantsexyturtles.com
• pornonthecob.com
• zappa-on-ice.com

Once you’ve chosen a winner, chosen another winner after you discover that your first choice is being squatted on, and signed away some of your hard-earned cash to reserve said name, it’s time to move on to phase three.

3. Throw Together a Layout
First of all, I need to emphasize something very important: don’t put too much work into this part! Many web designers make the common mistake of believing that they’re going to magically come up with the next big craze, but what they don’t realize is that the next big craze has already been developed by a large corporation with hideous amounts of money. Even if you did happen to convince some investors that just happened to be sleeping during the rise and fall of the dot-com era that are willing to heave scads of venture capital in your general direction, the other guy is still going to have more money than you. Solution?

Simple: Just follow the oldest tradition on the Internet – steal your next great idea from somebody else!

Seriously, we haven’t actually had an original idea here on the ‘net since the mid-‘90s and even then there was a bit of suspicion, so by today’s standards it’s totally legal to copy entire websites that you think are neat from those who would otherwise be complete strangers. Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that this is legally legal, but unless you get caught copying some industry-dominating company’s website (Microsoft, eBay, Amazon.com…I really shouldn’t need to fill in the blanks for you on this one!), you shouldn’t have a whole lot to worry about. Just check out some other sites similar to the one you’re going to create, scribble down some notes on your favorite features of each, continue to sketch out a general diagram of how the pages on your site will eventually look, and then in preparation for Step 4, proceed to lose the notepad you scribbled said notes on in some obvious place that you’d never think to look, such as underneath the couch or in the refrigerator…

4. Put-Off Building the Site for a Predetermined Length of Time
Now, if there’s any one step that you don’t want to skimp on, it would most certainly be this one! Fortunately, depending on just how badly you’ve managed to lose your notepad from the previous step, this could take days, weeks or possibly even months to complete, but don’t get discouraged – if you find yourself beginning to worry that you’re not going to get the proper amounts of procrastination in on any given day to keep with your schedule, sometimes it’s best to take a step back from putting-off working on the site and just take a break. Go outside, get some fresh air, meet a girl, and before you know it, you’ll be back on track to putting-off building the site like you were when you first started!

Just in case your friends, family, or employer starts asking questions as to why your site isn’t up yet, and trust me, they will ask, I’ve prepared a list of excuses that should buy you a little time…

• I’m almost to level 13 on that new game for the PS2!
• My computer has developed some sort of virus…and spam – yeah, it’s got that, too!
• I was going to work on it last night, but I had to take my girlfriend out to dinner. (NOTE: they never seem to believe this one…)
• I have to go to class.
• Website? What website?!?!?
• My dog ate the Internet…

5. Actually Get Around to Constructing Your Site and Posting It Online
Nonetheless, you’re going to want to eventually follow through with your plans and do this whole website-thing, as we all run out of excuses at one point or another and besides, just think about how much easier it’ll be to concentrate on your vigorous schedule of video games and parties once this thing is finally out of the way! Of course, this would be where the actual technical-savvy would come in extremely handy, but seeing as you’ve got access to the Internet, this shouldn’t be a real problem! I could waste pages upon pages telling you the ins and outs of web programming, what to do and what not to do, but let’s face it – HTML isn’t funny, so instead we’ll just skip ahead to the part where your site is finally done and get back to the more interesting parts…

Whew, coding is hard work, isn’t it? After weeks and weeks of tweaking, coding, and starting from scratch, the beast is completed and it’s time for rejoicing…almost, that is. Before you can kick back and enjoy the highlife, though, it’s of the utmost importance that you partake in the oldest of sacred rituals in this online community – shameless self-promotion! That’s right – the world will know soon enough about your newfound glory, but now’s your chance to announce to your closest of friends all about your amazing accomplishments – that’s what e-mail was created for, so use it!!! Your first task is to send bulk messages to every single name in your address book mentioning the new site. Be sure to drop the URL no less than three times per message – it’ll let ‘em know that you really mean business!

You should also incorporate your web address into your e-mail signature so that each and every person who’s lucky enough to get mail from you will know to visit your site for even more of your zany antics, as so…

From: Crazy Joe <crazyjoe@joespearemporium.com>
To: Mr. Dinicky <dinicky@jerkofaboss.com>
Subject: yesterday’s deadline

Mr. Dinicky,

Sorry I missed the deadline – it won’t happen again. I wasn’t feeling well, but am much better today.

- Joe

———————-
Visit Crazy Joe’s Pear Emporium for exotic fruit galleries, videos, and much more!
http://www.joespearemporium.com

Now you’ve got a whole new reason to write those long-distance friends who you really never talk to anymore! While you’re at it, be sure to send off notes to the webmasters of all of your favorite websites announcing your own site – just casually mention that you’ve been a huge fan ever since their beginning and the link’s practically in the bag! You’ll also want to start submitting your site to search engines, but honestly it’s easier if you get linked from other huge sites and just let the search spiders do their thing and find you on their own. Granted, you’ll still have to work your way into Yahoo! yourself and I’ve been sworn to secrecy about giving away that little gem, but the others are pushovers and should pick you up within a couple of weeks with a few links here and there.

And then it’s time to…

6. Bask in the Glory
Congratulations!!! You are now a member of one of the most elite unofficial brotherhoods (or sisterhood, depending on your own situation…) of all time – those who run really cool websites. If you’ve played your cards right up to this point, there’s really no need for you to ever have to interact with another person face to face ever again! Don’t worry – people will get used to the whole “He’s not answering his phone – try e-mailing him instead…” effect after a while. If they still don’t figure it out, then they’re obviously just not sophisticated enough to understand your fame…

So what’s next? Well, after you take a few more breaks, you may want to think about creating an update schedule, so you actually have a plan in your own mind of how often you’d like to be adding new material to your new, breath-taking website. Daily? Weekly? Whenever you freakin’ feel like it? It doesn’t really matter, as you get the hits as your readers keep coming back to check for updates day after day, even if you haven’t made any in months! You’re now an Internet phenomenon, so feel free to pop in and out as you see fit, or even to throw the thing online one night and then never check back again – with fame comes great flexibility…or something like that…

Enjoy your new-found creation! Plug your site to your friends and neighbors at every given opportunity – even at church (i.e. It’s a holy lot of fun over at jimsbowlingshoecollection.com). Casually mention your new source of fame to that cute chick at the grocery store the next time you need some carrots – she can’t possibly turn you down now! Champagne will fall from the heavens, doors will open, velvet ropes will part… You’re a webmaster now, making you a step above other mortal men, so use this to your advantage at every chance you get – your life will never be the same again…

And that’s definitely a good thing – trust me!

Being the successful magazine editor that I am today, people often ask me, “What does it take to be a humor columnist?” Well, actually it’s more often along the lines of “What in the world are you guys on when you’re deciding who gets published in the next issue of Just Laugh?!?!?” Well, the answers are determination, an incredible sense of humor and lots of ecstasy, in no particular order. We also like cookies and other assorted baked goods, but we’ll get into that later…

Humor doesn’t grow on trees, or at least that’s what I’ve learned after several years of college biology classes. It also doesn’t come in a bottle or a can, and definitely not in a can not (welcome back to the fourth grade!). Although I used to believe that some people simply weren’t cut out for the exhilarating lifestyle of us writers, but after a long night and several mixed drinks, I was convinced by some colleagues that just about anyone could actually be a humor columnist, even if they personally are known to have the comedic wit of a lop-sided bowling ball. I now believe that, given the proper instructions, damn near anybody can be a humor columnist these days. Still don’t believe me? Just to prove me right, let’s try a little experiment to see if my theory really works. Here’s a sample layout for a typical, hilariously-funny column:

• Title – This is quite possibly the most important part of the entire piece, as it grabs the reader’s attention and, in the best cases, takes big, juicy bites out of their intellect, leaving them unable to deny any urges to read your column. Some professionals might comment that the title of your piece should be an accurate summary of what the reader can expect from your work. This is a lie. Remember, you want people to actually read your masterpiece, so this is no time to be a literary genius – write what they want to hear. For a male audience, instances of the words bloody, dead and disfigured beyond recognition are great attention grabbers; for a female audience, simply add the word man behind any of these phrases and watch the hits pile up!
• Introduction – Luckily the title you chose was so catchy that you can more or less write whatever comes off the top of your head here and no one will know any better. Did you have an exceptionally delicious piece of toast this morning for breakfast? Maybe your daughter just got a brand new hamster and you found it lying mysteriously motion-less at the bottom of the clothes hamper yesterday – it doesn’t really matter! Recite the words to the last pop song you heard on the radio, for all we care…you’ve already got ‘em hooked, anyways…
• Body – The least important section of your work, you should be able to crack this baby out in ten to fifteen minutes, tops. Although it may be desirable to add content and meaning here, I suggest that you substitute in cheap jokes and inconsistent rambling to fill the majority of this section. Add in a few booger lines, a la Dave Barry, and you’ll have ‘em coming back for more…
• Conclusion – I typically end my pieces by inserting an important-sounding excuse that I’ve got other things to be doing, and although these other things quite possibly include playing video games and searching for porn on the Internet, the audience doesn’t know that and thinks I’m just a very busy person… A few quick sentences about the weather, that hot chick you saw in line at the grocery store but were too chicken-shit to actually talk to, or who you’d like to win the next election should be fine. Whatever you do, though, don’t drag this part out! By now your audience is just coming down from a very intense comedic experience; you don’t want to push them over the edge by being too funny. What you need is a quick, snappy, meaningless conclusion to wrap things up.

Now wasn’t that easy? All you’ve got left to do now is post that baby onto the Internet and enjoy all of the frills involved with being a successful humor columnist! Did you know that we get 20% our party’s tab at The Olive Garden on Friday nights? Then again, none of us would be caught dead eating at that place, but it’s still technically a perk! After having written several “columns” using the above template, you’ll receive your complete membership kit in the mail containing:

• Official Humor Columnist ID badge & discount card
• Official Idea Notepad – great for jotting down thoughts for your next masterpiece!
• Official black pen – because no self-respecting columnist writes with pencils anymore! What, are you afraid you’re going to make a mistake???
• Official A Day in the Life of a Humor Columnist coloring book
• A coupon for $5 off of your next purchase at the gift shop…

Anyways, hopefully this proves my point that just about anyone can crank out high-quality humor for the world to enjoy, in relatively little to no time at all! What are you waiting for – go grab a beer and whip out your very first column! If you hurry, you should even be able to get it done before The Simpsons starts…

Happy writing!

Glossary of Words You May Come Across and Some Other Things to Remember:

• Copyright Infringement – Don’t let the modern day hype confuse you, this is typically bad! Ranging anywhere from simply including popular brand names in your work to, well, using somebody else’s work as your own, such accusations usually either end in your getting sued for a huge sum of cash that you probably don’t have or selling your soul to those offended to avoid the prior – both solutions pretty much suck and should be avoided at all costs! (see also: Libel)
• Dave Barry – The God of all humor columnists, if you will. Many will attempt to take his place or achieve similar levels of greatness, but chances are you will never even come close. Luckily though, with such technological advances as the Internet these days, it’s not too difficult at all to develop an adequately-sized cult of fans which will provide more than enough fame to satisfy the average person.
• Dictionary – If you really need to look up a word to confirm its spelling, maybe you shouldn’t be using it, eh? Mindless twit…
• KISS – Even though their makeup and high heels made them primarily the top glamour rock group of all-time, they also birthed many unique musical stylings and techniques that would eventually influence the artists of today, as depicted best in their MTV Unplugged performance in 1996.
• K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple (and) Stupid: First introduced to us during our elementary-level language arts education, this writing format reminds us that, essentially, the bulk of our audience will be comprised mostly of idiots and nincompoops – stick to words with preferably less than six letters to avoid potential confusion.
• Libel – Another law-related term which writers face, this one has to do with the using of our powers for slanderous reasons rather than to just make people laugh. Examples would be including phrases such as, “Diet Dr. Mountain Cola made my stomach explode in an ugly array of tastelessness…” or “Governor Joe is a jerk.” Both sentences make implications that could damage the reputations of their subjects, so either could lead to bad, bad things…

My tip: if you’re going to offend somebody, make them up first if at all possible. It’s very difficult for imaginary people to sue you out of house and home…

• Outline – If you were concerned with the opinions of others and making sure your work actually makes sense, you might create one of these step-by-step walkthroughs to keep yourself on track as you write. Thankfully, though, you’re a humor columnist, so this is one less bit of paperwork you’ve got to worry about!
• Rights – Ha! You’re kidding, right? Don’t assume that just because you’re a writer now, you’ve got control over what happens to your own work – get real! People want to read and reprint your work – be happy about that! Ok, if somebody blatantly attempts to pass your work off as their own, go ahead and sue their sorry asses, but otherwise lose the ‘tude and go write another column or something…
• Writer’s Block – A term created by lazy people who wanted a professional-sounding excuse to get extensions on their deadlines. There are plenty of wacky and zany things out there just waiting to be written about, but of course you won’t know about any of them if you sit around on the couch all day watching TV and eating potato chips – get up off your ass, go outside and find some inspiration!