**BUZZ**
**BUZZ**
Joe groaned, rolled half over, and with the cunningness of a man who’d only gotten three hours of sleep the night before, slammed his hand down on the snooze button, knocking the lamp and a majority of the books off his nightstand, but more importantly, earning himself another ten minutes of peace and quiet. Barely opening one eye, he was able to make out the luminescent red glow of those three numbers which had been plaguing him five days a week for the past three years…5:45 AM.
Joe Palmer worked as a technical support advisor for a company called Inter-Connectivity Solutions, Inc., or ICS for short, who although often preached in their obnoxious radio ads as being “…the leading business-to-business networking solution within a hundred miles of anything,” was actually just another one of maybe five or six struggling Internet service providers in the northern half of Wisconsin. It may have sounded like a fairly prestigious position to anyone who didn’t work there, or at least in the upper two-thirds of the job scale, but Joe hated his job with a passion – spending eight hours a day trying to talk the work-at-home Moms and hip and savvy businessmen through setting up their e-mail or updating their web browser was not how he had planned on spending the majority of his mid-20s. Nevertheless, it paid the bills and still left him with enough money to buy beer and the latest PlayStation game at the end of the week, so he had learned to live with it.
It was only a matter of minutes before Joe was staggering out of bed in an attempt to find his bearings, or at least whichever direction would lead him to the refrigerator. He would’ve liked to have been able to fall back asleep, even if just for a few brief moments, but it just didn’t work that way for him. Once the initial jolt had hit him, Joe was awake for the day…reluctantly, but he was awake.
Stubbing his big toe on just about everything worth stubbing it on, he found his way to the refrigerator and promptly blinded himself upon opening the door. Fortunately, Joe kept his refrigerator minimally stocked, which although it does sound a bit odd to most other people, namely those who liked to actually eat, it made things much easier for Joe on mornings like this, as this effortlessly allowed him to find the milk carton without knocking over damn near everything else inside in the process. Satisfied with his find, he grabbed the box of generic, sweet-n-sugary something-or-others, a remotely clean bowl out of the sink, and took a seat at the table.
About halfway through his breakfast, Joe noticed something a bit different that morning, but he wasn’t quite sure what it could be. He dwelled on it for another ten minutes, eating in complete silence, until a thundering noise from outside broke the monotony. Literally sounding like a mach truck was being driven through the house, Joe’s pet fish darted into their artificial castle in terror as pictures shook on the walls and several chose to retreat to the floor in search of better protection. It was gone in only a few short seconds, but Joe had an uneasy feeling in his stomach that his daily commute to work was officially going to suck that morning as he got up and proceeded to the front window to inspect the damages. Sure enough, the county’s snowplow had deposited a majority of the road’s snowfall from the night before directly into the end of Joe’s driveway…
He didn’t really hate a lot of things, but Joe hated shoveling snow. There was just something about that white, powdery abomination that really rubbed him in the wrong way. Maybe it was due to bad memories of his older brothers giving him relentless whitewashes every Christmas until he was seventeen, or maybe it had something to do with that car accident he had been in a few years ago on the slippery roads, or maybe it was just because he’d already spent so much time, shovel in hand, trying to remove it from his life. As far as he was concerned, there was absolutely no good purpose for having snow around and when it came down to it, it was really just God’s way of taunting him. That God character had the sickest sense of humor out of anybody he knew!
Knowing that he had well over an hour of shoveling ahead of him before he could even attempt to traverse the icy roadways and get to work, he glanced up at the clock and quickly realized that the Roadrunner himself couldn’t make it in to the office on time in his particular predicament, so Joe opted to do the next best thing instead – not go in at all! He probably should’ve been at least a little concerned about losing his job and all, but he truthfully didn’t care, for a couple of distinct reasons: 1) he didn’t really like his job, anyways; 2) he’d actually already seen this done before – the girl in the cubical next to him didn’t show up for, like, three days in a row without even calling in, yet nobody even noticed and she still received a full paycheck the following week! If that ditsy blonde could get away with it, so could he…right?
Joe passed by the telephone on his way back to the kitchen table without a second thought, but slowly doubled-back a minute or two later to unplug his answering machine from the wall – “No sense in tempting fate…” he figured. Unfortunately, however, after finishing breakfast he actually was awake and saw little chance of falling back asleep, so he did what any normal man facing a free day off would consider the obvious – he plunged himself down in front of the TV for an exciting marathon of all the crappy AM programming that he usually missed by going to work! Amazing how even the absolute worst television shows can be surprisingly tolerable when you’re supposed to be doing something else, isn’t it?
Brushing away the empty beer bottles and stray Doritos, Joe settled onto the couch with an uneasy crunch and flipped on the boob tube, which oddly enough wasn’t displaying any boobs whatsoever! This startled Joe for a moment, but as the risqué banter of the morning talk shows took over the screen and began to meld his mind into their own little play toy, he was overcome with a growing sense of white trash and actually found himself wanting to know why Shaniqua was all up in her mother’s face and how a trip to teenage boot camp would whip her into shape! He felt empowered as a twenty-something cat enthusiast sued her neighbor for complaining about her babies’ lack of self control all over the lawn furniture and when Star Jones and Joy Behar argued over the idea of a Ten Items or Less line at the nearby McDonalds, he agreed whole-heartedly with his sisters about the injustice that was being caused to skinny people all around the world. It wasn’t until his more prominent desire to pig out finally overcame his thirst for scandalous banter that he was able to pry himself away from the television for a brief moment…
Unfortunately, Joe soon realized that he was now in one hell of a bind because this was usually the point in his day where he’d venture down the hall to the building’s vending machines, where he had the option of assembling any number of combinations of junk foods and snack cakes into a tasty lunch, but Joe didn’t have any vending machines in his own home and really had absolutely no idea what he was going to do! His mind immediately drifted to the multitude of fast food restaurants that he frequented on the weekends for such a meal, but soon realized that if he wasn’t willing to shovel the driveway for work, a greasy burger and some fries hardly seemed worth the effort, either.
As he scrambled through the deepest bowels of his cupboards in search of anything that could be turned into an edible snack food, Joe heard a rumbling from outside that was no doubt the county’s snow plow further burying any hopes he had of sneaking out for a bite to eat. It wasn’t long after the rumbling that another sound caught his ear – one that he was, in fact, a bit more familiar with because it was the sound of a woman complaining profusely! He giggled and continued his search for food, but as the shouting turned to cussing and beyond, Joe knew that he just had to see what the big deal was for himself. Peering out the front window, he scanned the barren, white landscape until his eyes reached the driveway next door, which just happened to have a turquoise Dodge Neon stuck square in the middle of it. Standing next to the vehicle, and obviously the owner of both the car and the mouth of a sailor, was Joe’s ever-so-friendly neighbor, Nikki…
Even speaking as an absolute gentleman, Nikki Robinson was an extremely hot piece of meat, which was a fantastic explanation as to why Joe, who had been laid up in his underwear all morning had suddenly sprang to life and rushed out the door to her aid. Nikki was a blonde in her early 20s who had curves in all the right places and, when the moon was right, even a thought or two to call her very own. She worked the cosmetics counter down at the local mall, so Joe rarely saw her aside from walks to the mailbox, but those were indeed some of his favorite times. Yes, Nikki was a hottie, that much was a given.
Trodding through the snow and doing his best to keep his cool, even though he was already freezing his ass off, Joe stood tall and shouted out, “What seems to be the problem?” The problem was actually quite obvious, yet Joe was lost in the moment as he caught an up-close look at Nikki – her outfit resembled a cross between that of Mrs. Claus and Betty Boop, with a sexy, white fur in all the right places that couldn’t have possibly been keeping her warm. This was just the kind of woman that most men dream of rescuing one day and yet here was Joe, a pasty computer technician who avoided physical activity like the plague, about to exert more energy than he has all year in an attempt to free this woman’s car from the snow! But man, was she a hottie…
“Hi, Joe,” Nikki replied with a sexy coo that nearly stopped his heart right there on the spot. “I didn’t realize that it was so deep out here – my car got stuck. You wouldn’t mind giving me a hand, would you?”
“No, Nikki. Not at all…” he stammered, half because of her beauty and half just because it was really cold outside. “We should have you out of here in no time…” Taking the shovel from her mitten-clad hand, Joe began the overwhelming task of clearing nearly all of the snow from Nikki’s driveway, as it seemed that instead of even partially trying to make a path for herself, she had simply floored it from the get-go in hopes of plowing through some two and a half feet of snow that had accumulated along the length of her driveway, thus planting her car square in the middle. Although his muscles ached and he contemplated quitting to return to his couch and cheesy daytime dramas for the remainder of the afternoon, he continued to steam ahead relentlessly as Nikki watched on, commenting every so often about how hard the job looked and how much she appreciated his help…
Nearly an hour later, Joe looked up and sprouted a quaint smile as he realized that he was actually finished. Nikki revved her mighty Neon and backed completely out of the driveway this time, then surprised Joe by pulling right back in and shutting off the engine. Climbing out of the car, she gave him a wink and asked, “You’ve got time for a cup of coco, right? I think it’s the least I can do…” Although stunned by the initial offering, Joe certainly wasn’t an idiot, either, and quickly followed Nikki into the house for what would soon prove to be much more than a cup of hot chocolate!
Stepping into the house that had sat next door to his for as long as he had lived there was like venturing into a far off and foreign land, with pink hearts and teddy bears adorning nearly every surface, along with an unbelievable abundance of doilies, there was no question that this was the home of a woman! Joe did his best not to get snow on her carpet, though she hardly noticed as she quickly excused herself to change into drier clothes once she had placed a saucer of milk in the microwave. He had to admit that this did seem a bit odd because, well, how exhausting could it have been for her to watch him shovel her driveway for the better part of an hour? Nonetheless, he didn’t argue and as Nikki came back out into the kitchen wearing nothing more than her robe and a smile, he had pretty much forgotten about the whole situation altogether…
“Uhhh, so where were you off to?” Joe asked uneasily, trying poorly not to stare directly into her breasts. “I hope it wasn’t anyplace too important.”
Nikki just giggled, “No, not really. I was heading out to meet up with some friends for a big sale at the mall…not a biggie.”
“So the swearing?” he inquired.
“Oh, I guess I was just a little frustrated,” she explained. “Janie said that they had these amazing pink blouses for half-off, that just would’ve gone fabulous with my…”
Nikki carried on for a couple of minutes, blathering about this and that, Joe nodding and smiling all the while, until she finally had to stop for a breath and realized that she was boring him to death.
“I’m boring you to death, aren’t I?” she spoke, once again with that special coo that just about made him melt on the spot.
“Not at all!” he replied. “I’m actually quite fascinated with your fashion dilemma – tell me more!” Unfortunately, Nikki didn’t exactly pick up on the sarcasm and indeed did tell him more – lots more. About twenty minutes into a talk about color coordination in the winter months, her eyes lit up and Joe could tell that she had an idea – maybe this was it, the payoff for all of that shoveling and listening and yadadadada…
“I’ve got an idea!” she exclaimed. “This oughta be fun – you just wait right here!” Nikki jumped up and ran back to her bedroom, filled with an excitement as if she had just won the cheerleading championships or something. Joe finished his cocoa and waited with anticipation until she finally called out, “Ok, you can come in now!”
“This is it!” he thought. “Man, this is gonna be so awesome!” He opened the door to find Nikki sitting on the floor of the room, oddly enough fully clothed once again. Next to her lay an open Scrabble box, the pieces already set up in front of her. Joe’s smile stayed constant, yet a small part of him died that very instant that it became all too apparent that she wasn’t looking to play the kinds of games that he had been hoping to play! Nevertheless, it was still pretty cold outside and he didn’t really have much of anything to do back at home anyways, so he settled down in front of the girl and proceeded to just obliterate her in some half a dozen games of Scrabble…
As he got up and thanked her for a wonderful afternoon, for a brief moment Joe actually felt bad about cremating someone that obviously never stood a chance against him in the first place, but then he recalled all of the sex that he didn’t have that same afternoon and didn’t feel quite so bad from there on out. It had now gotten to be around dinner time and although he would’ve loved to have Nikki cook him something to eat, he simply couldn’t imagine sitting through another rant about the differences between blush and ruche and everything in between, so he decided that the next best thing to do would be to clear out his own driveway and go out for a burger instead.
Of course, another hour of shoveling and several muscle groups nearly limp and useless later, Joe realized that he had hardly enough energy to get out to his car, let alone drive anywhere for dinner, “…but with the driveway clear now, there’s no reason that dinner can’t come to me!” he spoke out loud to himself with a grin. Gazing over his freshly shoveled driveway through the window, Joe dialed the phone and proceeded to order two of the largest pizzas they could fit in the car – he certainly wasn’t going to get stuck without food for a while after this incident!
Fifteen to twenty minutes passed and Joe finally heard the pizza delivery boy pull up into his freshly shoveled driveway, yet he barely found himself able to make it to the door to collect the fruits of his labor – physical labor turned out to be pretty hard work! Just as he fished out a couple of extra singles for the tip, Joe looked up to see Nikki speeding out of her driveway, no doubt on her way to the mall with hopes of catching the last few hours of that sale. She didn’t even look up as she passed his house, but after shoveling two driveways that afternoon with only a few games of Scrabble as repayment, the pizza was the only thing on his mind – good-old, reliable pizza!
Clearing off the coffee table with one fell swoop of his arm, Joe centered the boxes in front of the couch and prepared himself for what would prove to be a both lazy and fulfilling night of good food and quality, must-see tv! Little could he foretell, however, that only forty-five minutes into the evening, he’d be fast asleep from the exhaustion of actually doing work all day long, even though coincidentally there really isn’t much of anything worth watching these days anyways. Halfway through the night, he woke up just long enough to throw the remaining pizza in the fridge and creep his way back to bed…
Of course, it wasn’t long before the alarm clock reached those forbidden numbers – 5:45 AM – and it was time for another day in the life of Joe Palmer to begin. Rolling over, he came into consciousness just in time to hear that fateful rumbling of the snowplow once again depositing a deep barrier of snow at the end of his driveway. He knew what had to be done, and as much as he just loved the thought of another riveting afternoon spent with Nikki and her Scrabble board, Joe pulled himself out of bed and stumbled to find his coat and hat.
Joe hated shoveling snow, but he hated not having sex even more…
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