That’s right, folks … no need to adjust your monitor / PDA / preferred reading medium of choice – you read that title correctly! It’s been a busy week – I’m successfully down one engagement ring and proportionately up one stunningly beautiful fiancée, and now that all of the necessary parents and brothers and sisters and best friends and other assorted family members have heard the news, it’s time to share this truly magnificent tale with the other half a million* most important people in my life … my readers!
* actual quantity of readers may vary, as based on current exchange rate…
Anyways, I wanted to share this story for two reasons: 1) I like to think that it’s a pretty important time in my life and having shared such other prime moments in my life as dental work and the plights of removing dead skin from the bottoms of my feet over the past few months, it just seemed like I owed you all something a bit more, eh, pleasant for a change! 2) No matter how much planning a guy puts into this (hopefully) once-in-a-lifetime moment, things will never go exactly according to plan … and it is funny … so why not do my part to help break the ice for any other folks out there who might also be preparing to propose and make sure a sense of humor is in their frame of mind for this oh-so-important night, too! Oh yeah, and also 3) I kinda figured that this would be the easiest way to knock out my regularly-scheduled weekly humor column a little early and thus clear the rest of my weekend to enjoy our post-engagement vacation over at Disney World to boot! I know, I know … it’s a bit selfish, but enough about me – let’s get things moving with this engagement story all about me already…
…and also my soon-to-be-fiancée…
…and of course, a very special guest appearance by Mickey Mouse. Now on with the show!
The day was Thursday – May 3rd, in the year 2007 AD. I woke up both exhilarated and scared out of my mind, for in about fourteen hours I would be asking my girlfriend if she’d consider tolerating my hilarious ass until the end of time itself. And it’s funny because I already knew what her answer would be – in fact, a month or two prior she had pretty much picked out the ring herself – but I think engagements are just one of those things where even with all the preparations in the world, something’s wrong if you’re not at least a little bit nervous!
The only real benefit of said nervousness was that I didn’t really eat much at all that day, so at least with regards to my weight loss efforts, maybe I should get engaged more often!
Just kidding, Babe…
Anyways, I would soon find out that that very same nervousness would continue on to be the theme of the day, at a ratio of about 30% being nervous for the final moment itself, with the remaining 185% reserved for simply worrying about whether or not I’d actually be able to keep the whole thing a secret from her up until the final moment itself. And believe me, just when you think you’re over one thing, there’s always something else waiting on the sidelines to hop in and take over in the event that one’s stomach shows any signs whatsoever of returning to its original consistency. On this very special day, my nerves were in top physical condition, almost as if they’d been training for months to be able to keep me on edge for this day. I picture a little nerve weight room, filled with lots of other nerves – some just there because they want to look cool, but others genuinely concerned about improving themselves – and there, off in one corner, are my own nerves, training with a really hardcore coach like Mickey from the Rocky movies. And they’re running stairs, doing laps in the park with the Statue of Liberty in the distance, and … well, you get the idea…
By far, my biggest problem was one that I carried around with me in my pocket all day, and I do mean that literally on a number of different levels! You see, it seems that jewelers these days must get quite the hefty kickback from the company that makes those little, leather-covered boxes that they sell rings in, or maybe all of the sales people at the store have some sort of pool where they bet to see just how huge of a ring box they can pawn off on unsuspecting saps like me that walk through the door, but either way, I sure hope somebody made out on my misfortune because the entire day I carried around a ring box roughly the size of a three-story house in my shorts pocket, and just in case there was ever any doubt, houses aren’t exactly the easiest thing to “conceal!”
Side Note to Any Readers Who Happen to Be in the Little, Leather-Covered Ring Box-Making Business: it seems to me that there could be a considerable profit to be made from slim-line or low-profile ring boxes, at least when selling to customers who aren’t Andre the Giant. Just something to think about – it’s kind of tough for me to keep something secret all night when I’m required to pull it behind me in a large wagon.
But keeping the ring itself under wraps until just the right time wasn’t my only adversary that fateful Thursday evening, for little did I know that I’d also have to keep close tabs on even my own body language, as those uber nerves were working overtime to remind me that this was to be one of the most important days of my life and as such, I should rightfully be petrified throughout its entirety! And so I caught myself making comments about being engaged that, although we’d discussed at random in the past, had become a bit of a sore subject as of late as, how can I say it, my lady’s anxiousness had gotten to be a bit overbearing for me at times and she certainly didn’t expect for me to be bringing it up at the time. There was also the nerve-driven “shift her to the right”-move that I patented that day, as I proceeded to panic whenever she would find herself on my left, which just so happened to be the same side that I was attempting to hide the ring on! Whether she ever noticed anything out of the ordinary, I’ve yet to ask, however when it felt like I had a Buick in my pocket as she walked alongside me on my left, I would think that it would be hard not to feel something a little out of the ordinary! Nonetheless, apparently many a quirk were written off that day to my “just being weird,” which ultimately worked out ok with what was about to happen next…
So we had watched Illuminations: Reflections of Earth, the evening fireworks spectacular at Epcot, and although many a grand opportunity had passed during the show itself that I’d previously thought might be perfect for the proposal, as of 7:30 that morning I had developed a new plan and by golly, we were going to carry out that plan, nerves and all! As we approached the front of the park, I played out the scenario one last time in my head – I would suggest that we stop to get our picture taken in front of Spaceship Earth, then would ask the photographer to capture the proposal on film as I bent down on one knee (to ask my girlfriend to marry me, not to ask the photographer to take pictures, mind you…). And of course, in Murphy’s Law at its finest, my final obstacle presented itself – the photographer, who was normally there EVERY SINGLE NIGHT had already packed up and left for the evening!
But while panic on the inside is perfectly appropriate in this case, panic displayed to the world would’ve completely blown my cover, so while it took some quick thinking, I then remembered that hey, we’re at Disney World. Certainly at the Happiest Place on Earth I could find someone standing by to take a loving couple’s picture … and more … and that I did. Greatly lucking out, I happened to find a young and vibrant cast member who just about melted herself when I told her what I wanted to do, so now with my camera person officially in tow, I returned to my patiently waiting fiancée-to-be and got to work…
I smiled, and we posed for the picture.
Then I turned to her, and smiling a whole lot more, recited the words that I’d fumbled over in mind all day long:
A little over one year ago, we shared our second date here at Epcot and we had such a magical time, it seemed only fitting that it would be the perfect place for me to give you this…
[ring box comes out of the pocket, opens with me down on one knee]
…you would make me the happiest man at the Happiest Place on Earth if you would be my wife. Will you marry me?
And while tears poured down her face, with a smile that made every bout of nerves worthwhile, she said that single word that I’d been waiting to hear all day, “Yes!” The newly-engaged couple embraced, the crowd that had apparently gathered around us erupted with applause and shouts of congratulations, and one of the most helpful cast members I’ve ever met at Walt Disney World captured the whole thing on film for us.
So with a deep sigh of relief, ladies and gentlemen – that’s the story! We shared a little woe, we shared hopefully a few laughs, and even a bit of sentiment with that touching look into what I did last night … sure beats sitting around in your underwear, watching reruns of Friends, doesn’t it?! I hope you all enjoyed this interesting look into the mind of the soon-to-be-proposed man – guys, if you haven’t been there yet, be prepared, and for those who’ve already been, let us all express a resounding, “Whew!” in unison! And as for the ladies, we just hope that you truly appreciate what us guys go through while we’re preparing to ask the ultimate question because at the end of the day, even though you’ve been browsing bridal catalogs to help drop subtle hints for months doesn’t make it any easier when it’s time to carry that planet-sized ring box around in our pockets all day long! But we do it all for you, that’s for certain – what fun would life be without someone to share your jokes with?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a fiancée who’s just begging for some hot tub, and I’m never one to let a girl, or a hot tub, down!