Many years ago, The Rules of Manhood began circulating around the Internet. An ever-evolving list of why we do what we do, The Rules served to educate the fairer sex about the idiosyncrasies that make us men who we are – like it or not! Covering everything from Sports Center to umbrella etiquette, if a better guide to men exists, it’s probably about 700 pages long and not nearly as funny…
Nonetheless, over time I came to notice that while these rules did an extraordinary job at encompassing the everyday details of a man’s life, they did little to address the seasonal peculiarities, if you will – you know, the appropriate way for men to cut a cake (as large of pieces as possible), how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey (either deep fried or filled with at least three other kinds of meat), and most important, the granddaddy of them all – how to decorate the exterior of one’s domicile in preparation for the most wonderful time of the year, Christmas! Just thank your lucky stars that a true Christmas aficionado like myself was able to step in when I did…
Without further ado, I present for your consideration the missing link in The Rules of Manhood … at least as far as Christmas decorations are concerned. Granted, they’re not as numerous as the original list, but then again, sometimes fewer is actually better.
Nah – just kidding! We’re talking about Christmas lights here, not the garnish over an already spectacular Thanksgiving dinner, so the sky’s the limit! Literally, height counts in this challenge, too…
A true man is measured not by the friends that he has, but by the awe of luminescence from his Christmas lights.
…and if the entire display requires heavy machinery and reinforcements to the local power grid to reach its prime, then all the better! The holiday season is a time for men to truly shine, both literally and figuratively, with the brilliance of his lighting masterpiece radiating like a beacon in the night, blinding all those within a three-block radius with holiday spirit. Christmas only happens once a year, at least for now, and thus a man has only the next five weeks to flaunt his pride in all that is manliness until next year, so make it count! Remember, if the electric bill isn’t yet in the 3 – 4 digit range, you’re not even close to being done yet…
A man’s primary decorating phase will be completed no later than December 1st.
This one is pretty simple because of course, everyone will be out and about to enjoy all of the decorations for the entire month of December, so it does no good if the bulk of your lights aren’t even up until halfway through the month! Mind you, this means that if you haven’t started yet, you’ve got a long ways to go and only about a day and a half left to do it, there buddy! Hope you’re ready for some long nights … consider taking the day off of work to help ease the burden. Any real boss would understand…
A man will offer his assistance to any neighbors who may be in luminary need.
…because it’s simply not as much fun to be the only guy on the block with a decorated house, those devoted to the art of decorating should also be prepared to aid his neighbors when either they can’t do it themselves or if they’re of the ilk that believe “just a few strings across the garage” to be an adequate show of spirit. Offer up your hand, but also don’t be afraid to decorate by the cover of nightfall if need be, like a ninja with an unusually large Christmas spirit. Sensei would be proud, noble one…
A man will never “pay” someone else to put up lights for him.
The absolute gravest of sins, I would rather see a man not put up any lights at all than know that he paid someone else to do his manly duty for him. Putting up Christmas lights is an honor, not a chore, and paying somebody else to do it would be akin to paying someone else to sleep with one’s wife because he just doesn’t want to get “all sweaty and gross.” If a man requires the assistance of his friends and neighbors to decorate (as previously described above), then so be it, but understand that acceptable forms of payment among men include beer, pizza, and a few rounds on the Xbox after the final strands are put in place – your money’s no good here.
Always remember that a man’s holiday display is never truly done.
Sure, we may have to call it quits due to zoning restrictions or threat of divorce for spending $500 on “freaking Christmas lights,” but a real man knows in his heart that these things are but temporary setbacks. Next Christmas is a whole twelve months away, thus giving us plenty of time to apply for any necessary permits, install auxiliary electrical wiring throughout the front yard, not to mention either convince the missus that the display really does need that animatronic snowman to truly set the holiday mood or leave her Scrouge-like butt for someone a little more tolerant of your festive holiday spirit! Sometimes life has its tough decisions, but holiday decorating shouldn’t be one of them…
For those of you who follow The Rules and already have your lights up, you can find plenty of more laughs about the original rules by visiting your friendly, neighborhood Google. As for the rest of you, get to work – time’s a wasting and those decorations aren’t going to put themselves up!