The Humor Column

Top 10 Things I Would Do to Get an iPhone This Christmas

by Scott Sevener ⋅ December 14, 2007 ⋅  Email this column ⋅  Print this column ⋅

You call me obsessed like it’s a bad thing…

But what can I say, I’ve lasted an exasperating six months since Apple released the Holy Grail of cell phones. Reading all of the forum threads and product reviews about how absolutely awesome the iPhone is compared to the piece of crap Samsung brick that I’m currently using from Sprint that can barely even be considered a “phone” at this point, practically drooling over those technologically sexy commercials as I play them over and over again on You Tube to the point where my fiancée is beginning to raise some concerns; making paper-mache replicas of this phone to end all phones while I’m supposed to be working, only to find out that paper-mache doesn’t hold up in the rain nearly as well as metal and plastic do … ok, so maybe I’m not quite to that last point yet, but I tell ya – we’re getting awfully close to that level of desperation! Something needs to be done soon before I’m reduced to a wanna-be Apple fan-boy zombie, wandering the streets at night mumbling, “This is your music, these are your pictures, and this is a call … on your iPhone!”

There must be hope, however, especially this time of year when miracles happen on even-numbered streets and wishes are granted with every swipe of a credit card, which is why I’ve decided to go straight to the top to finally see my iPhone craving fulfilled once and for all! No, not Steve Jobs … I asked Mickey Mouse to pass along my number to the boss man, but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet, so instead I’m turning to none other than Santa Claus to help make these dreams of touch screens and a phone that actually works a reality. This is the man who in the past has brought talking robots, action figures from The REAL Ghostbusters, and even the original Nintendo Entertainment System into my life, so rest assured that we’ve definitely got our best man on the case!

But there’s just one thing – I’ve got a feeling that the standard milk and cookies, even as delicious as my own personal baking and dairy offerings may be, might not quite be enough to bring the digital revolution into my home on Christmas Morn. You see, sure – Santa likes his snacks, but let’s not forget that he’s also a man of morals, with his list of naughty and nice. And while I can’t say for sure just exactly which end of that spectrum I personally fell in this year, I’m willing to come to the table with some bargaining chips for a better performance in 2008. In fact, I’ve got ten…

1. Pick up my toys without having to be asked … because twenty years later, I’ve finally come realize that Mom wasn’t kidding when she said that stepping on LEGOs hurts like the dickens!
2. Keep the lawn properly maintained … by writing a check to have the lawn guy stop by every couple of weeks. Trust me, I’m the last guy you want hoe hoe hoe’ing around your prized flower beds…
3. Make more of an effort to do laundry before I completely run out of clean underwear. Either that, or at least buy better blinds for those afternoons when every last undergarment is waist-deep in suds and I opt to pass the time by napping on the couch with a full view of the backyard! What a guy can’t even do in the privacy of his own home anymore…
4. Finish all of my vegetables – even the peas!
5. Ok, so maybe not the peas, or brussel sprouts or even spinach unless there are also copious amounts of cream cheese involved, but other than that, you can consider my plate thoroughly cleansed.
6. Have all of our Christmas decorations up a week earlier than we did this year. Hey, they kind of are a tribute to St. Nick, so I’d like to think that the guy would appreciate a gesture like that!
7. Don’t swear. Cut down on the swearing. Don’t swear in front of kids.
8. Do the dishes. Ha, like I could get my fiancée to do them!

· …not that my fiancée isn’t a very hardworking woman, mind you! In fact, I actually like doing the dishes just to help take some of the strain off of her hectic day … yeah, that’s the ticket! Have I told you lately that I love you, babe?!

9. Take out the garbage prior to our garage smelling like a horrible mix of old Chinese food and the remnants of a day at the circus. Who knew the place would take that long to air out?!
10. Leave out an extra large plate of those special cookies that Santa seems to love so much! No, actually I meant gingerbread cookies … I don’t know where your mind was going, but I think it’s time to lay off the Dave Chappelle movies for a while…

That’s all I’ve got, so wish me luck, handsome readers! My digital calling freedom depends on it, because I can’t take another moment of this crap service that I’m getting from Sprint, but that’s another column altogether…

Help me, Santa Claus – you’re my only hope.