It’s on, my friends! The big vacation is now a mere six months away and counting, and the clock ticks closer every day to that time when I’ll be hopping on a gigantic boat with my wife down to the Caribbean to celebrate our first wedding anniversary, her survival of college graduation, and who knows what else we’ll have encountered and overcome between now and then. It’s to be a week of umbrella-topped drinks and beautiful weather, exotic scenery and blissful relaxation – a full seven days filled with not a care in the world. At least, that’s what it’s supposed to be…

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly looking forward to the relaxation part, and really, who doesn’t enjoy a good piña colada?! Already I’ve had many a friend, colleague, and family member tell me that once they’d gone on their very first cruise, they simply couldn’t imagine vacationing any other way, and that sounds great and all, but I must admit that at the same time I do have just a few concerns…

  • What if I find myself enjoying that amazing water slide that I’ve seen in the pictures and end up soaring well past the pool and right off the edge of the boat?
  • What if a pod of tourist-hating killer whales attacks the boat while we’re out at sea?
  • Or worse yet, what if they confuse our boat for a gigantic, sexy killer whale – on account of the big, iconic fin that all of Carnival’s ships have – and they attempt to mate with us in some sort of twisted, Night at the Roxbury at Sea-kind of fashion?
  • What if I just so happen to be in the restroom or something when they make their final boarding call at some remote island and I get left behind, forced to learn the language of the natives and live among them, awkwardly dancing for them nightly as their jester in an attempt to not become a part of the evening’s main course?
  • What if the boat gets lost at sea, only to be later washed ashore on some deserted island in a Gilligan-like fashion, except that there’s a whole heck of a lot more people this time than just seven and most of them end up being jerks? Also, none of them appear to have the same chemistry that carried Gilligan, the Professor, Ginger, Mary Ann, Mr. and Mrs. Howell, and the Skipper through 98 episodes and 4 made-for-TV movies, either…

Remember, I’ve never been on a cruise before, so these are the kinds of things that have been going through my head ever since we decided on spending a week on a boat out in the middle of the ocean instead of opting to vacation someplace safely on land where killer whales and restless natives don’t really have to be factored into the equation! So while everyone else is pondering which excursions they want to sign-up for and what sights they’d like to see, instead I’m contemplating how best not to resemble a plump and delicious seal should I find myself overboard in shark-infested waters! Can you see why I’m having just a teensy bit of trouble fully relaxing about this newfound vacation concept now?!

I guess I should at least be grateful that we’re still six months out from our departure, which leaves me a decent amount of time to begin studying the various Caribbean native languages and start brushing up on my coconut building skills over the summer. Granted, there may not be much that I can do to prepare for any potential wildlife encounters, whether as the aforementioned lunch or even as a very unwilling victim to a pack of “overly-amorous” orcas, but really, I suppose there are some things that no amounts of preparation or body armor can ready a man for and besides, who really wants to walk around wearing a suit of armor and reeking of anti-whale pheromones on their vacation, anyways?