Suburban America is a realm of dangers beyond your wildest imagination – don’t let anybody tell you different!  Ferocious dogs without leashes patrol the sidewalks, rogue sprinkler systems keep lawns wet and unwanted guests even wetter, and even the youth themselves choose to play right in the middle of the streets – you know, the ones that cars have been known to drive on?!  Anyone who doesn’t actually live in one of these picture-perfect neighborhoods would have to be crazy to venture forth into their confusing mazes of narrow streets, abrupt cul-de-sacs, and ridiculously low speed limits.

Crazy like a ninja, that is…

…because the thing is, us suburbanites need “stuff” just like the rest of the world, and sometimes it’s “stuff” that one simply can’t hop in the car to go pickup.  A new computer, a pair of shoes in a size that the store didn’t have, maybe some sort of rare Baywatch memorabilia from a German collector on eBay – all of these need delivery to be of any use to us, and thankfully, that’s where “they” step in…

Like shadows slipping silently through the night, yet performing their duties in the plain of day, the stealthy folk of FedEx sneak in and out of our simplistic, suburban subdivisions with such ease that I’ll be honest, I’m not so sure that I’ve ever actually even seen a FedEx driver in the flesh. Sure, I’ve seen their trucks driving around, mind you, but that’s not to say that I would be able to pick their uniform colors out of a line-up if you managed to corral a sampling of package delivery professionals in one place.  We know that UPS drivers are the men in brown and those from the Post Office are the men in blue, but the boys at FedEx might as well be the men in black for all we know … flashy thing sold separately, mind you!

And of course, the last thing that you’ll hear me complaining about is a delivery person being too quick … if anything, a couple of our nearby pizza joints could learn a thing or two from our flighty friends at FedEx … however anyone who’s ever seen the slip affixed to their door knows all too well of the painful counter side to swift and stealthy service.  You know the drill…

You’re expecting a particularly awesome package in the mail … maybe something from The HoneyBaked Ham of the Month Club or something (September’s features a delicious Southern Pecan Pie!) … and so you setup a foolproof ham safety net of friends and family to be available throughout the entire day, just in case they try to deliver that delectable sugary sustenance while you’re “at work earning a living.” Your cousin Meg had to leave early for bowling practice, but fortunately you were able to cut out early from your rousing game of solitaire and race home to await the delivery of the most delicious ham ever crafted by human hands.  You pass each other just down the block with a friendly wave, but then only moments later your heart sinks to a frightening, new low as you pull into the driveway and catch a glimpse of something stuck to your front door.

“Sorry we missed you…”

You can’t really complain because a) 9 times out of 10, their execution is still perfectly flawless, and also b) not being 100% sure that they’re not actual ninjas as well, the last thing you need is a shuriken to the throat for badmouthing the FedEx guy!  Still, a day without HoneyBaked Ham is a day lost in my book, but from a ninja no sympathy you’ll get … mainly because by the time you find the Next Attempted Delivery Date on their sneaky slip, they’re already long gone, having moved onward to new suburban landscapes with gifts of fancy computers and slow-roasted hams to deliver.

To them package delivery isn’t just an occupation, it’s a way of life, so the next time you pass one of their shiny trucks on the street, take a moment to smile and give them a friendly wave in humble appreciation … it may be the only chance you’ll ever get!