So I know I’ve been a little flaky the last couple of weeks, and by “a little flaky” I mean that my columns have been super-duper, outrageously-ridiculously late!  Sure, I could make up all sorts of crazy excuses like a Tyrannosaurus ate my homework or there was a Supernanny marathon on TV, but really at the end of the day, I think I need only one.

I had bronchitis, and it was not fun.

Of all the communicable diseases one could stumble upon this time of year, bronchitis is definitely right up there on the list of ones that aren’t very much fun to have at all.  Maybe if you recently bought a new bed and have been looking forward to spending upwards of 15-20 hours a day really testing the thing out, or possibly if you’ve got some sort of thermometer fetish where it just really makes your day to see 102.5 degrees light up on that little stick, then bronchitis might be right up your alley, but otherwise as your resident humor columnist and fellow human being, I would advise you that you’re probably going to want to steer clear of this one…

For anyone who hasn’t had the pleasure of experiencing bronchitis before, I think it can best be broken down into a number of phases, with each one being even more agonizing and diabolical than the last:

Fever Phase
Also known as the “I think I’m going to die in the next two hours”-phase, your fever phase is like a rollercoaster ride straight into the bowels of hell … except that you’re both sweating and freezing at the same time.  Sure, it’ll eventually subside in a couple of hours once the Tylenol and Advil kick in, but you know that it’s only a matter of time before your body starts to take the plunge all over again…

Incessant Coughing For No Reason Phase
Ever wonder what it would be like to be a 90 year-old smoker with black lungs and a battered soul?  Welcome to the coughing phase!  You can forget speaking full sentences without being interrupted by a devastating fit of coughing and wheezing, and sometimes even just breathing can be a real doozy, too.  On the upside, you’re still spending 20 hours a day in bed…

Disgusting Phlegm Phase
Fans of the Wild West will love this one as it gives them a chance to dust off the ‘ole spittoon because, well, that nasty stuff that you’ve been choking on has to go somewhere. Just don’t forget to empty the thing every now and then because otherwise it has a tendency to congeal into this nauseating, yellow and brown slime that … ok, I’ll stop…

I guess the whole timeline for this ordeal was right around two weeks, during which I spent copious amounts of time in bed, found myself watching DVDs and cable channels that I didn’t even know existed, and in general was basically miserable for the entire duration.  If anything, I think the highlight was the one night that my wife stopped and picked me up a Happy Meal on her way home … although in retrospect I still would’ve gladly paid full price for my own Happy Meal if it meant avoiding all of the plights that bronchitis had bestowed upon me!  Sure, pushing that little toy truck around on the bed was fun for a little while, but four chicken nuggets and a small fry later, I was no closer to happiness than I had been when I was dying via lung torture the previous 17 hours of the day.

The good news is, I’m finally feeling better now and although I certainly don’t want to jinx it at this point, I might even go so far as to say that I think the worst of this crazy, little thing called bronchitis is finally behind me.  I still don’t have even the foggiest idea how you actually get bronchitis in the first place – maybe it’s one of those things that just happens when you’re around tons of people, or maybe it’s something that you get from eating chicken nuggets … I don’t know!

But I do know one thing – bronchitis is not fun. I’ll be back next week, though – possibly even on-time, with more of the hard-hitting facts that you’ve come to expect from this humor column.  Until we meet again, may you have a good night and a bronchitis-free tomorrow…

*cough*