Because nothing says “Happy Holidays!” like something that’s probably going to burn your kitchen down shortly after plugging it in…
I’ve never been a big fan of Black Friday, mainly because I don’t really have the knack for kick-boxing and to date there’s never been a toy or video game that I’d actually be willing to swim through a sea of angry shoppers just for the chance of scoring it at 65% off the retail price. And I know, some of you out there differ from me – the die hard Black Friday shoppers that you are, eager and willing to stand in line for hours and claw your way through the electronics section to finish your Christmas shopping hundreds of dollars under budget and nearly a month before the last possible minute on Christmas Eve!
Just for the record, I think you’re all crazy, but for now let’s put that aside and instead focus on an entirely different concern that came to my attention as I was gingerly flipping through one retailer’s Black Friday Sales Bible the other day…
Simply put, it’s not really a “bargain” if it’s a cheap piece of crap that’s going to break 30 seconds after unwrapping it on Christmas morning.
I know, I know – the deals, they’re always so tempting, but do you really think that a waffle maker that costs less than a Big Mac from McDonald’s is capable of doing anything other than burning your kitchen to the ground in a fiery inferno, much less actually making waffles that somebody other than the dog would rightly consider eating?! Think about it – at three dollars, the batter itself is going to cost you more than the actual appliance that you’re going to cook it in … even toaster-ready Eggo Waffles from your grocer’s freezer section will run you more on average than one of these bargain-brazen deathtraps, and really, this is only the tip of the iceberg for questionable quality with this year’s Black Friday Armageddon of Savings…
- Cotton Bath Towel – $1.28 – You know those extra-scratchy bath towels that hotels use to try to prevent you from stealing them? You’ll wish you had…
- Vacuum Cleaner – $8.54 – My $100 vacuum cleaner doesn’t pick up the most mild of dirt and debris on our living room carpet, so…
- Ladies Watch – $5 – If this is your great idea for your wife’s gift under the tree, you might wanna just go ahead and also grab that $49 auto-inflating air mattress while you’re at it.
- Pogo Stick – $12 – I’ll admit, I was actually surprised to even see that pogo sticks still exist, however I’m not sure I’d trust the weight of a child to a $12 spring!
- Paper Guitar – $7 – Hell, why not just draw the kid a picture of a guitar on the back of a napkin from the food court while you’re at it, you cheapskate?!
- Digital Audio Player – $14 – It’s basically “just like an iPod,” except with way more disappointment come Christmas morning…
As much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I feel that it’s my civic duty as resident humor columnist and Chief Waffle Enthusiast to remind everyone that not all that glitters is worth buying for 75% off, and in the end, even though a real waffle maker might cost you upwards of $25 or more, both the quality and reassurance of not having to keep the fire department on-call are gifts that your recipient will truly cherish for many bottles of maple syrup to come!
On the other hand, if you’re just the stubborn type who still finds yourself powerless to resist the smoldering allure that is the three dollar waffle maker, please do yourself a favor and also take a walk down aisle 12 before you checkout – I hear they’ve got a great deal on fire extinguishers for $6.49 that you seriously can’t afford to miss…