I need help.
And not the kind of help delivered to me twice weekly by a way-too-eager guy in way-too-tight spandex while we jiggle to music that hasn’t seen a radio dial since the days of the Carter administration, either…
Specifically, I need the kind of help that only my good friend technology can provide!
If you know much about me, you’ve probably come to deduce that I’ve always been sort of a technology geek in a big, bad way. I’ve been playing around with computers since I was old enough to be intimidated by girls, I first set foot on the Internet back when there was hardly any porn on the thing at all, and nowadays you’ve probably got a better chance of sending me a message on my iPhone than by just walking up and asking me a question in person! Technology and I have become very close friends over the years and it’s been able to help me through so many challenges thus far in my life, so it seems only fitting that I give the old chap a chance to take a swing at one particular problem that has been plaguing me ever since my metabolism left me for a younger guy at the senior prom…
I need to lose some weight, and after hard work and determination have gotten me minimal returns at best, I’m now turning to Mama Technology to help trim off some of these unwanted rolls in time for bikini season right around the corner, and it all starts with a couple of brilliant, game-changing inventions just. like. these…
The Time-Lock Fridge
Talk about a Smart Fridge, but instead of this ice box simply cataloging its own contents, monitoring temperatures, and phoning in an order to the grocery store when we’re running low on milk, its most important feature shall in fact be what I like to refer to as Anti-Snacking Mode – a configurable, password-protected setting that prevents the door from being opened altogether between the hours of midnight and 6:00am, which studies have shown to be the prime Window for Unnecessary Snackitude … at least in my case, anyways…
Auto-Go Running Shoes
No more, “I don’t feel like exercising today!” or “It looks like it might rain!” … if you’re wearing these shoes, you’re going out for that evening jog whether you like it or not! Even the most ornery exercisers like myself will have no choice but to go with the flow as these fully automated tennis shoes take to the streets on a predefined schedule whether you’re actually feeling up to five miles tonight or not!
Personal Fat Transporter (PFT)
“Beam me thin, Scotty!” Now I was never really much into Star Trek myself, but even I have to admit that the teleporter is a far cooler way of travel than actually getting in a much smaller spaceship and flying down to the surface yourself. So we’re not quite there yet here in 2012, but let’s start small … maybe just beam a few pounds of fat from one place to another just a short distance away…
….like from inside my body to this conveniently placed garbage can sitting right next to me…
Maybe it’s just me, but I think the PFT could be the greatest invention the middle school science fair has ever seen!
Of course, there are a million other ways that science and technology could further improve man’s attempt to shed unwanted weight – Fat-Powered Nanobots, Zero-Calorie Pizza, a little something that I like to call The Jiggle-Master 5000 … really, should we expect anything less from the people who’ve already brought us Angry Birds and Angry Birds IN SPACE?!?!?!
That reminds me – better add Giant Fat Slingshot to the list, too … at least they’ve basically already got all of the work done on that one!